My mood is less somber today. Which I am very relieved about. I’m not exactly in a great, “happy” mood, but I’m not where I was yesterday. Sleep seemed to be even more difficult last night, but with the help of a “natural” sleep aid, I was able to fall asleep. Of course I woke up multiple times in the night, tossed and turned. But, my alarm went off right on time this morning, “Mommy!”.
So, I’m sitting with my coffee and toast, watching a sermon on anger by Joyce Meyer. That’s something I REALLY need. Everything that was so heavy on me yesterday, is a little lighter today. Not because it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, or because I’m “over it”, But because I don’t feel like giving in to being a sad, gloomy person. Well, I guess I still seem that way in the eyes of others, because I’m still wanting to be alone and detached from everyone, but on the inside I’m not as bad. Which, for me, is what counts.
In my heart I know I’ll probably be struggling with these mood/personality disorders for my entire life, just like I have been for the past…oh, at least 15 years. But I know as I grow and learn, I can adapt and learn to control them. I’m never going to be a Bubbly Betty, but I don’t have to constantly be a Debbie Downer either. I can’t force myself to be a happy upbeat person who never suffers from mood swings and depression, but I can fight it as best of abilities. And not for the sake of others, not to pretend to be in a good, jolly mood for everyone else, but for myself to be stronger than what my mind tells me I am.
After everything I’ve been through in my life (which is a lot of no good stuff), I’m perfectly able to not fall victim to a couple mood disorders. Even if I do need Prozac.