This morning Rayne gave me an amazing gift, that I REALLY needed. She slept in.
Yes, sometimes Rayne will sleep in a half hour or so, giving me time to wake up. But this morning she slept in for 2 whole hours. I had time to wake up, get coffee, and blog. I was very happy about this. Plus, the sun was shining, so the whole situation put me in a great mood. She woke up, rubbing her tired eyes. I chipperingly say “Good morning, DooDoo Buns!”. I don’t know why I called her DooDoo Buns. That’s what we agreed to name her new stuffed bunny. Anyways…She wasn’t ready for a good mood in her face. And I understand completely. I’ve never been a morning person. So I shut up and let her sit on her princess couch and watch her shows until she woke up a bit more.
Later in the day I had to go into town to get a few things. While I was in the store I saw a princess patio set. A table with an umbrella and two chairs. It would match her couch and tent, AND would go great next to her playhouse. Plus….It was on sale. I had to get it.
I love surprising her with things I know she’ll love. It’s just a great feeling seeing her face so happy. But then I thought to myself “Am I subconsciously rewarding her for sleeping in?” I don’t think I was, because it’s not like I was actively looking for something to get her. I just happened to walk into the isle it was in and notice how perfect it was for her and that it was only on sale for a few more days!
Sometimes I accuse myself of spoiling her. But then I justify it by saying “I don’t give her whatever she wants. In fact I’m usually the bad guy. But I do like surprising her with gifts.” Is that still spoiling? I hate that I even think about such things. Can’t I just give my daughter something nice without have a tiny feeling of being wrong for doing so? Honestly, I know it stems from the judgement of others. I suppose I worry someone will sneer my mothering skills because I seem to spoil my child. I know I don’t spoil her. I even get on my family members for spoiling her so often.
So why am I always second guessing myself? I’M her mother. I know how I want to parent my child and I have a clear view of right and wrong. But if I feel like spoiling my child, WHO CARES? It’s not anyone else’s business what I choose to gift my child with. And I’ve never been the kind of person to care what people think of me or do things to please other people. That’s why I don’t have many friends! So why am I always walking on egg shells with my parenting? Why do I get offended so easily by an ignorant comment by someone who’s no better at it than I? Why do I over analyze every move I make as a mother, wondering if I’m doing this right, or if I’ve already screwed her up for life?
And why has buying a princess patio set (on sale) brought this all to the surface?
Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so this is helping already. But I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way at least sometimes. Hopefully someone who has the same problem will read this and maybe feel better about themselves and their parenting.
Because at the end of the day, as long as we love our children, teach them right and wrong, and how to be a good person, we’re doing just fine.