What ifs and new hope.

After my much needed “me” time last night, I’m just glad to have my girl home.

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She only leaves once a week for no more than 18-20 hours. And most of that time, we’re both sleeping anyways. I enjoy having time to myself. Moms need time to reflect and recharge. And sleep. It’s so nice being able to relax one night a week, and not be distracted. 

But once I wake up in the morning, I don’t really know what to do with myself. I wander around, pacing, cleaning. I feel lost without her around making messes, throwing fits, and making everyone laugh. Every time she leaves, I realize how pointless my life is without her. There would be no point for my life if Rayne was not here.

Of course if I never had Rayne I would’ve followed my dreams, put all my efforts into achieving my goals. And tired to do everything I’ve always wanted to do. But that didn’t happen. I have Rayne. I’m just about 22, I’m a single mom, I’m unemployed, I’m lost, I’m confused about myself and my life, my future has never been more unclear. But if (God forbid) something ever happened to take Rayne out of my life, I would be destroyed. I would have no purpose or meaning. I can confidently say I would either die of heartache or kill myself. Which ever came first. Rayne is everything to me. 

Yes, I sometimes dwell on the past and think, “what if I was able to do everything I had wanted?“, “where would I be?“, “How much would I have accomplished by now?“.

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But then I look down to the little head resting on my legs. I run my fingers through her tangled hair, and feel a sigh of comfort escape her tiny lungs. Her eyes stay glued to the colorful cartoons, naming shapes, on the television. And in that moment, I’ve never felt happier. I know there are a lot of hopes and dreams that have been thrown away or put on hold. But this moment is so worth it. This moment gives me hope that someday, every hope and dream I ever had, will be revived and reached. But instead of me reaching them, it’ll be us, together.
 

 

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