Will You Forgive Me, Blog?

After ditching this blog because of its slow traffic (my own fault), I realize now it was a mistake. Why start over with a new blog but the same issues? Long story short, I created a blog, that did nothing but suffer all thanks to me. Poor blog. R.I.P PunkRockMommySeekingJesus.

However, with the sadness of losing another blog to the awful realization of being..dun dun dun..unpopular, I have decided to make my way back to my original blog. The one created just to say what I want to say. No special agenda, no trying to be cool like other mom blogs, it was just me. And at this point, I feel much better just being me again. Hey, isn’t that the way to go anyways?

So, without any further ado, I’m back.

Expect to see me blogging away again at MomWomanHuman@wordpress.com

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The final decision.

After throwing blog names back and forth, trying to find the perfect one for my new mom blog I’m planning on creating and hoping will become a profession, I’ve stumbled upon a thought that wouldn’t go away. At first I thought, “Nah, not everyone would be into that.” But it kept nagging at me as if I had no other choice. Then I gave that little thought some attention and realized it was a great idea, not because everyone will like it, but because it’s important to me and I would love to go in that direction.

My new blog will be a Christian mom blog. Still the same idea (Mom discussions, Ideas, Advice, Questions, etc.) but with Christian beliefs thrown into the mix. Not that I need to give an explanation for my decisions, but I find that when I explain my decisions, it helps people understand my point of view and finds a relative ground. So, this is why I’m making a Christian mom blog:

  1. Being a Christian Is very important to me, especially as a mother.
  2. My Christian beliefs have gotten me through my entire motherhood, good times, bad times, depression, stress, feeling helpless, etc.
  3. It’d be awesome to uplift other mothers with not only advice, and friendship, but also the word of God.

I know this is the right direction for me to go in because I feel no desire to do just a regular mom blog. I’m going full force with this Christian mom blog idea and I’m feeling VERY positive. I know not everyone will agree with this, because not everyone is pro Jesus, but everyone, no matter what you believe, is welcome to read and enjoy my mom blog.

I hope you will all still read and follow my soon-to-come mom blog and find in it a welcoming, informative, and seriously awesome mom circle. 🙂

My final decision on a career path and how I need all of your help.

As most of my readers know, I’ve been in quite the depressing struggle of trying to find my career path. I’ve always been the ‘lost‘ kind of girl. Never really having a ‘place‘ or clear direction. As I plunged into my 20s with a baby on my hip and no idea as to how I’d be making a living, the pressure on my shoulders has been nothing short of the equivalent of a howler monkey swinging and jumping around on my back, alerting everyone (or so it seemed) of my failures and slow go at the adult life I’m suppose to have. Shame has been the ever looming dark cloud above my head. As a 22 (almost 23) year old mom with no job and no plans, life has been embarrassing and shameful. I know, I know….Being a mom is not an easy job. I love being a mom more than anything. But as a child I suppose certain members of our family ingrained in my brain the importance of a career and “making something of yourself”. When all I had to show for my 20-something years is a toddler and contributing to the household groceries, I felt like the family failure. Like it was in everyone’s mind when they looked at me. I’ve been constantly dreading any family interactions and/or parties/get-togethers purely because I feared someone would bring up the God awful question…”So what are you doing these days?“, followed by the crumbling of my spirit and the stuttering trying to find something interesting and socially acceptable to say. Needless to say, my confidence in my womanhood has been particularly low.

Over time I’ve had ideas of the direction I’d like to go in, but nothing seemed to be fitting. “How can I do this when I have to be a 24/7 mom?”,How can I make this work with NO money?”. But after careful consideration, I’ve decided what I want to do. Now, this wont be easy, nor will it bring in a butt-load of cash, especially in the beginning. But, I’m going to go for it anyways. I’m going to be a professional blogger.

Here are my reasons for my choice:

  1. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but could never picture myself writing books or working for some lame paper writing articles about things I don’t even like.
  2. As long as I own my blog, I can say whatever I want. I’m very opinionated and like to say what I think and why.
  3. I can stay at home with my girl. I plan on homeschooling, and I love being a stay at home mom. This allows that to happen.
  4. Once I’ve established a blog (I plan on starting with a mom blog) and have a reasonable amount of followers, I can create another blog that is on more of a political level, which I really look forward to doing. A soap box is important to me, and I’d love to have a few words to throw into the world and be caught by other people sharing my opinions, beliefs and ideas.
  5. I’m an introvert and socially awkward. I can’t work for other people and can’t (no matter how hard I try) force myself to work a dead-end job with people I don’t like for a crappy amount of money, all the while losing precious moments with my daughter.

So, there you have it. I now have a plan. I’m going to be a paid blogger.

Now…you’re probably wondering where your part comes in. Every blog, whether you’re being paid for it or do it as a hobby, needs followers. Especially if you want to be paid for it! So, all I ask is for readers! Hopefully I can create an awesome blog where people actually WANT to read it. But, I know the beginning will be slow as with most things. But, my goal is to have a great blog, that offers advice, a place for moms/women to come together and discuss our motherhood. I hope to provide you with it soon!

Wish me luck in my career endeavors. Hope to see you reading my future posts. 🙂

Blog award Nominees.

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A.H. Amin has been so kind as to nominate me for yet another blog award. He has a wonderful blog, is a talented writer and always gives me the best advise. I would like to nominate him in return, but that goes against the rules I suppose. Speaking of which…

The rules:

  • When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure you notify the blogger that you nominated them!)

  • You write up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.

  • You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated your own blog!

  • You paste the award picture into your blog. (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)

So as you can see, today you’ll learn 22 things about me, have fun everyone:-

11 Random Facts about me, Jordan:

  1. I didn’t finish high school. Although I’m in love with learning and crave knowledge nowadays, high school was not the environment where I was able to succeed in such. I couldn’t concentrate, I never fit in, and spent most of my time day dreaming. I eventually took my GED in 2009.
  2. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I have extreme difficulty regulating my emotions and suffer from intense anger, chaotic relationships, impulsivity, unstable sense of self, suicide attempts/thoughts, self-harm, shame, fears of abandonment, and chronic feelings of emptiness. And patterns of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. People don’t understand it which makes it very difficult to have healthy relationships. But in the past could of years I’ve been able to cut out a couple of the worst symptoms, which I am proud of. Hopefully someday I can live free of BPD.
  3. I love to read, but have a difficulty being able to get into a book. One of my favorite feelings is diving into a good book as if entering another world. But find it fairly hard to be swept away. I’ve had this experience only a few times in my life so far. I hope to find another good book very soon.
  4. I’m completely addicted to coffee. I cannot begin my life in the morning without a cup of coffee in hand. If I try, I will be met with an awful headache, dizziness, fatigue, nausea, and cold sweats. Can anyone say, “intervention…?”.
  5. Before I had my daughter, Rayne, I did not want children. I don’t particularly like children. I mean, they’re cute but to be honest they make me uncomfortable. Good thing I love my own.
  6. I’m afraid of slides. Yes, slides. I always remember going down the slides when I was little and being shocked (literally shocked, not as in surprised). I developed a fear of it and still can’t get myself down one.
  7. Sometimes I feel like I’m like the ocean. Tide in, tide out. Waving and smashing against cliffs. Always swirling and changing. Never constant, always back and forth. In other words, I’m wishy-washy. Never settled.
  8. All I want out of life is to say I’ve done good deeds for people in the world, raised a wonderful human being who’ll do good for people, I’ve lived to my potential, and have a cozy cabin on a nice piece of land where I can find some peace from the world.
  9. I can’t stand the thought of weddings. I just don’t like them. I don’t want to go to one and I can’t see myself having one. The whole sentimental-emotional-everyone watching thing is just uncomfortable.
  10. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. Not a clue. I would like to start school. But haven’t yet. I would like to have a career that I love. I couldn’t imagine wasting my life living pay check to pay check, doing something I hate. But, I have yet to find my true calling.
  11. I suppose I’m a contradiction. I’m  a rock n roll, punk rock, fight the system kinda gal. But I’m also a devoted Christian, pro-life, domestic to a fault, and obsessed with being a wonderful, uplifting, loving mother and human being.

Questions from A.H. Amin:

1- If they make a movie about you, who would you want to play your character?

Well, I’m in love with Jessica Lange, but she’s a little too old to play me. Everyone says I look like Liv Tyler and Anne Hathaway, so I suppose one of them.

2- Have you ever had the same dream or same scenario in a dream? If yes, what’s the dream?

I always dream my Mom’s ex or my ex is trying to kill me and Rayne. It’s very scary.

3- What are three things you mostly enjoy doing everyday?

That first cup of coffee while sitting with my feet up in the sunny window sill. Being surprised and overjoyed by how smart, awesome and hilarious my daughter is. And laughing hysterically with my sisters about anything and everything.

4- If you only have one year to live… what will you do?

Whatever the hell I want! And I’d try to also do a lot of other people, as giving is the best kind of getting.

5- What will you call your first child, and if you already have one, what will you suggest your grandchild’s name would be?

Hmm….I never really thought of what I’d prefer a grandchild to be called. I’m too young to think of such things! Besides, I don’t really care what they’re called. She could name her child Flowerface Rainbowbutt and I’d still love it.

6- Have you ever had a life changing moment? If yes, care to share that moment?

When I had my daughter, as cheesy as it sounds. But the moment you hold your baby for the first time, everything is different. You’re not the you you were moments before.

7- If you got to re-live your life from start, what will you change?

I would focus on my education and work my butt off to graduate properly and earn a degree. Everything else I’d leave the same even though the majority of it was terrible. Because it made me who I am.

8- You are someone who just discovered a planet, what will you name that planet?

Hmm, I suppose it would depend of the size of it and what the planet looked like. Maybe ‘Coolsville’.

9- Did something unexplainable or impossible have ever happened to you? What was that thing?

Not something directly to me that I can think of right now. But to my Mother. Once she was at a stop light want upon it turning green her car stalled, it wouldn’t drive. Suddenly a big truck goes racing through the intersection. If her car wouldn’t have stalled she would have been hit.

10- You just had a middle life crisis… what do you think you’ll be doing then?

As in to fix it? Well, I’d assume something wasn’t right in my life and try to change it. Take up a hobby doing something I love, vacation, new job, etc.

11- You walk into a book even and suddenly, you see me… what will you say to me?

“Well, Hello!” 🙂

My Nominees:

  1. The Laotian Commotion http://thelaotiancommotion.com/
  2. Dailymomprayers http://dailymomprayers.wordpress.com/
  3. Overexposed+Underdeveloped http://overexposedandunderdeveloped.com/
  4. 50 Year Project http://50yearproject.wordpress.com/
  5. Retcon Poet http://retconpoet.wordpress.com/
  6. A Taste of Daily Candy Floss http://dailycandyfloss.wordpress.com/
  7. LostAndTwentySomething http://lostandtwentysomething.com/
  8. One Thousand Single Days http://onethousandsingledays.com
  9. Girl Diaries http://girldiaries101.wordpress.com/
  10. iGameMom http://igamemom.wordpress.com/
  11. Vintage Living http://vintagelivingmagazine.wordpress.com/

My questions for my nominees:

  1. One thing you would do to change the world?
  2. Three things you’d like to accomplish in the new year?
  3. Your thoughts on 2012 end of the world?
  4. Five things you’re thankful for?
  5. Five things you’d like to change about yourself/your life?
  6. Three things on your bucket list?
  7. Your favorite season and why?
  8. One person you look up to and why?
  9. Something you wish you had done, but didn’t?
  10. Your greatest accomplishment yet?
  11. 5 things you’ve done for someone else without asking for anything in return in the past year?

Step out into the darkness and let it happen.

I haven’t been able to blog recently, so now that I am able, I’m going to get right down to business and spew out everything on my worried, over-analytical, over flowing mind. Well, maybe not everything but at least the problem at hand. Although I have many problems at hand, the one bugging me the most will be the topic of which I will address; I’m in a rut.

Rut: n. 1. A narrow or predictable way of life, set of attitudes, etc.; dreary or undeviating routine. 2. A settled and monotonous routine that is hard to escape.

All of us have ruts. It’s a part of life. But how do we go about getting out of them? That is…when we’re ready to get out. I’ve been in quite a few ruts already in my short 22 years of life. But this one is probably the one I feel most “stuck” in. And being stuck is one of the worst possible feelings to me. It always has been. Which probably contributes to my fear of commitment of any kind. Anywho…back to the subject.

As you all may know, being a young single mom leaves very little time and energy for personal goals, education, planning for the future, etc. I wasn’t “16 and pregnant” or anything, I was 19 when I got pregnant and just a month over 20 when I became a mom. When people would hear that I was out of my teens, they would have a sigh of relief and spit out an “Oh, well that’s not too bad”. Little did they know I was just as lacking as a 16 year old. I guess they assumed there was hope for me because I wasn’t as young and at that age I should have been on the track for a bright future anyways. But that wasn’t the case.

I have always been sort of a “black sheep” you could say. I was never in the “in” crowd, I never had many friends, I was hardly social at all. Even a teacher asked if I was mute once. I never felt the need to be apart of society and fall in line with everyone else. Therefore when 18 rolled around I wasn’t in line at the college either. Yes, I was enrolled in a modeling/acting school…but like I said before, that school was a joke and had no right to be called a school. More like money grubbers! Oops…I’m digressing again. Now, it’s totally normal for an 18 year old not to know exactly what career path they’ll follow. But at 20…21..22? 

Now at 22, unemployed, directionless….I’m feeling restless. I still feel oddly compelled to not join in on society’s game, but I can’t sit dormant any longer. Even though I never wanted to be apart of “it all“, I’ve always harbored a flame in me, urging me to do. I’ve always wanted to be successful (by my terms) and do something good in the world. I would hate to die and know I wasted my time and any sort of talent God gifted me with just because I didn’t fit in. It drives me up the wall thinking about the lack of achievements I have piled up. I have always been a very driven person, wanting to do so many things and knew I WOULD do them if it was the last thing I do! Now, I’m stuck. I sit day in-day out, thinking of all those things I’ve always wanted to do, the changes I’ve always wanted to make and all the good I’ve wanted to put into the world that no one seems to be doing. Is my future a lost cause? 

Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT blame my daughter for my rut. I love being a mom and it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Yes, even with the rut and set backs. If I am a lost cause and can only do one amazing thing in my life, it would be being Rayne’s mom. Which is another struggle. I want so badly to be an amazing mom and be with Rayne as much as possible and teach her all that I can, but what happens if I do start going to school or get a job, OR if God is really gracious and I go to school and end up in a great career? That’s time away from her. Time away from being the amazing mom I want to be. Time away from teaching her, nurturing her, watching her grow and soaking it all in. I would just die if I ended up being one of those people who get so wrapped up in a career that they forget how important it is to spend legitimate time with their child. 

So here’s the deal: I want to get an education and career. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I want to prove everyone wrong and go completely against the statistics. Now here’s the problem: Rayne only has one parent, which would be me. Therefore, any schooling would have to be online. I don’t have a job so I would need financial aid of the best possible kind. Seems doable, right? Well, everything I’m even interested in is A LOT of work, and is mostly on campus. I would need daycare. Daycare can be $800 a month and more. The only income I have is child support for Rayne which is $240 a month. If you’re a parent you know that’s just enough for food, diapers and clothes. It doesn’t stretch too far. So daycare is out of the question. Yes, I live with my parents and sisters. The oldest of my little sisters do homeschool, but are also job searching so wouldn’t be reliable for assured babysitting. My mother is also actively job searching for full time positions that would make it impossible for her to babysit on a regular basis. Why don’t I just get a job to pay for a babysitter while I go to school? Yeah…let me just get a job real quick, spend hours away from home making enough money for a babysitter, then go to school for hours and have no time for my child. No thanks, even if it was that easy. So I see this as an either-or situation…and I choose school. But, I’m still left with hardly any drive for the online classes they offer and a fear of taking on too much without enough passion for it and opting out, fulfilling my failure. I refuse to take on something I’m not 100% willing to go the distance in. Especially when there are so many issues that come with it.

I guess I’ve gotten so comfortable and set-in to where I am. And where I am is not moving. I’m just standing still waiting for a sign from God to dive into something. But I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. I’m newly convinced it’s about taking that step of faith and doing what your heart is screaming at you to do even if your brain is spouting off every logical reason not to.  I mean, if we didn’t step out into the darkness when we needed to, there would be no one lighting the way for the following generations or the other lost ones of my own kind. Dreams wouldn’t come true and hope wouldn’t exist. 

I started this post in a frustrated, lost place. And I’m leaving it with a hope that seems to be chasing out my fear by the second. Now I know what I have to do: Step out into the darkness and let it happen.

I may struggle through every step of the way…but I’ll be taking steps instead of standing still. And right now, that’s all I need.

 

The rest of my day and the slight disappointment that goes with blogging it.

The rest of my day was less eventful than the first half. It seemed to drag on as I forced my eyes to stay open and act semi normally. Rayne kept me plenty busy with her antics. 

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After her much needed nap, she was wired.

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She was doing the cutest/funniest things.

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Including sneaking up on me and saying “Rooaaaar!”

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But, with all this energy she had spewing from her, I figured I could use it to my advantage. Fact: Babies and toddlers double as weights for working out. I call this “Super Baby!”. Rayne loves to play Super Baby, and it really works out my legs.

Although my day was very uninteresting and ordinary, it was a quiet boredness I needed. It would’ve been better if I wasn’t terribly fatigued all day. It probably would’ve even been slightly productive. But it wasn’t. Now Rayne is starting in on the whining again, and I’m hanging on by a thread. Hopefully I can catch some serious Zs tonight and tomorrow will be better. When I go on blogging like this, with nothing important to say, I feel so lame like I’m wasting everyone’s time. Like I’m suppose to be addressing legitimate issues. Which I like doing, but I’ve been so exhausted and drained, I haven’t the energy to process such things and execute my opinions in a correct and fashionable manor.

So, hopefully soon I can bring you something worth reading. But for now, it is just my day.