I haven’t been able to blog recently, so now that I am able, I’m going to get right down to business and spew out everything on my worried, over-analytical, over flowing mind. Well, maybe not everything but at least the problem at hand. Although I have many problems at hand, the one bugging me the most will be the topic of which I will address; I’m in a rut.
Rut: n. 1. A narrow or predictable way of life, set of attitudes, etc.; dreary or undeviating routine. 2. A settled and monotonous routine that is hard to escape.
All of us have ruts. It’s a part of life. But how do we go about getting out of them? That is…when we’re ready to get out. I’ve been in quite a few ruts already in my short 22 years of life. But this one is probably the one I feel most “stuck” in. And being stuck is one of the worst possible feelings to me. It always has been. Which probably contributes to my fear of commitment of any kind. Anywho…back to the subject.
As you all may know, being a young single mom leaves very little time and energy for personal goals, education, planning for the future, etc. I wasn’t “16 and pregnant” or anything, I was 19 when I got pregnant and just a month over 20 when I became a mom. When people would hear that I was out of my teens, they would have a sigh of relief and spit out an “Oh, well that’s not too bad”. Little did they know I was just as lacking as a 16 year old. I guess they assumed there was hope for me because I wasn’t as young and at that age I should have been on the track for a bright future anyways. But that wasn’t the case.
I have always been sort of a “black sheep” you could say. I was never in the “in” crowd, I never had many friends, I was hardly social at all. Even a teacher asked if I was mute once. I never felt the need to be apart of society and fall in line with everyone else. Therefore when 18 rolled around I wasn’t in line at the college either. Yes, I was enrolled in a modeling/acting school…but like I said before, that school was a joke and had no right to be called a school. More like money grubbers! Oops…I’m digressing again. Now, it’s totally normal for an 18 year old not to know exactly what career path they’ll follow. But at 20…21..22?
Now at 22, unemployed, directionless….I’m feeling restless. I still feel oddly compelled to not join in on society’s game, but I can’t sit dormant any longer. Even though I never wanted to be apart of “it all“, I’ve always harbored a flame in me, urging me to do. I’ve always wanted to be successful (by my terms) and do something good in the world. I would hate to die and know I wasted my time and any sort of talent God gifted me with just because I didn’t fit in. It drives me up the wall thinking about the lack of achievements I have piled up. I have always been a very driven person, wanting to do so many things and knew I WOULD do them if it was the last thing I do! Now, I’m stuck. I sit day in-day out, thinking of all those things I’ve always wanted to do, the changes I’ve always wanted to make and all the good I’ve wanted to put into the world that no one seems to be doing. Is my future a lost cause?
Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT blame my daughter for my rut. I love being a mom and it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Yes, even with the rut and set backs. If I am a lost cause and can only do one amazing thing in my life, it would be being Rayne’s mom. Which is another struggle. I want so badly to be an amazing mom and be with Rayne as much as possible and teach her all that I can, but what happens if I do start going to school or get a job, OR if God is really gracious and I go to school and end up in a great career? That’s time away from her. Time away from being the amazing mom I want to be. Time away from teaching her, nurturing her, watching her grow and soaking it all in. I would just die if I ended up being one of those people who get so wrapped up in a career that they forget how important it is to spend legitimate time with their child.
So here’s the deal: I want to get an education and career. I want to be the best mom I can possibly be. I want to prove everyone wrong and go completely against the statistics. Now here’s the problem: Rayne only has one parent, which would be me. Therefore, any schooling would have to be online. I don’t have a job so I would need financial aid of the best possible kind. Seems doable, right? Well, everything I’m even interested in is A LOT of work, and is mostly on campus. I would need daycare. Daycare can be $800 a month and more. The only income I have is child support for Rayne which is $240 a month. If you’re a parent you know that’s just enough for food, diapers and clothes. It doesn’t stretch too far. So daycare is out of the question. Yes, I live with my parents and sisters. The oldest of my little sisters do homeschool, but are also job searching so wouldn’t be reliable for assured babysitting. My mother is also actively job searching for full time positions that would make it impossible for her to babysit on a regular basis. Why don’t I just get a job to pay for a babysitter while I go to school? Yeah…let me just get a job real quick, spend hours away from home making enough money for a babysitter, then go to school for hours and have no time for my child. No thanks, even if it was that easy. So I see this as an either-or situation…and I choose school. But, I’m still left with hardly any drive for the online classes they offer and a fear of taking on too much without enough passion for it and opting out, fulfilling my failure. I refuse to take on something I’m not 100% willing to go the distance in. Especially when there are so many issues that come with it.
I guess I’ve gotten so comfortable and set-in to where I am. And where I am is not moving. I’m just standing still waiting for a sign from God to dive into something. But I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. I’m newly convinced it’s about taking that step of faith and doing what your heart is screaming at you to do even if your brain is spouting off every logical reason not to. I mean, if we didn’t step out into the darkness when we needed to, there would be no one lighting the way for the following generations or the other lost ones of my own kind. Dreams wouldn’t come true and hope wouldn’t exist.
I started this post in a frustrated, lost place. And I’m leaving it with a hope that seems to be chasing out my fear by the second. Now I know what I have to do: Step out into the darkness and let it happen.
I may struggle through every step of the way…but I’ll be taking steps instead of standing still. And right now, that’s all I need.