This is what’s wrong with the world….raising humans like this.

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This is disgusting.

Let me tell you something. My parents did not have the money for presents this year. They couldn’t afford to get any of us 5 children or anyone else for that matter any gifts this Christmas. But not one of us acted like the children above. We all had a great day, eating and spending time together. We weren’t even upset at the fact. How any person can be this selfish, spoiled, materialistic, shallow and disrespectful, baffles me. It seriously disturbs me that these people are the future of this world. It is so sad that human beings are so addicted to material things that they disrespect their own parents, and get so upset, forgetting the real reason for the holidays in the first place. I feel so bad for such ignorant people. What a sad, empty life to live.

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The worst part about being a parent.

 We’ve all heard it before, “Becoming a parent was the best thing to ever happen to me!”. Before you have a child, you kind of just blow this statement off.  But when/if you’re lucky enough to experience having a child, you know that feeling. That sudden rush of overwhelming love pulling at you like an undertow, making your heart feel 50x bigger than you could’ve ever imagined it could grow. Life now has purpose, unlike you’ve ever known. You see the bigger picture. This is what it’s all about. And it’s true. As ridiculously mushy and sentimental as it may be, all of it is true. Having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. Having said that, it is also the most challenging.

Everyone knows there are quite a bit of downfalls to having a child. Although, most of the people discussing these downfalls are not parents. But, it is a fact. I suppose it depends on the person as to which is the worst of all.

Some believe it to be the ‘Terrible Twos’.

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Although this is a VERY difficult part, as long as you keep your patience and understand that your child is learning how to express emotions they don’t understand and it’s your job to teach them, you’ll be alright. And truth be told, sometimes when they’re stomping their tiny feet and screaming at you, it’s hard not to laugh.

Some think the worst part to be teen angst.

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I must admit, this part really does scare me. But at the same time, I went through it and survived, and so did my mother. I’m aware it’s something I will have to deal with, but it wont be the end of the world.

A lot of people (especially people who don’t have children), think their inability to go out drinking and having a grand ole time with their kids free friends all the time is the most devastating part.

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I guess for some, this could be a real issue. But honestly, good parents lose interest in partying and prefer to spend time with their children. Even those who once were what some would call ‘wild’, change their ways by instinct. Most of the time this naturally fades.

This one is a downer…the ‘Frumpy Mom’.

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It’s hard, ladies. I know. With a baby on your hip, or a toddler at your heels begging for attention, it’s not easy to get/keep yourself lookin’ fly. There are times when you forget yourself all together. Your clothes are out dated and baggy. Your hair is a rat’s nest. And for goodness sakes, when was the last time you shaved your legs in private (or at all)?! But by taking the initiative to have some ‘me time’ every day, week, etc., you really can prevent this. Mostly it’s just a misconception that moms who take care of themselves are selfish. Which is complete hogwash. A woman who takes good care of herself, is always better equipped to take care of others.

Now, all of these things are not fun, but they aren’t the worst. In my opinion, none of these hold a candle to the real downfall of being a parent. The real horrible part of being a parent is the fear.

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The moment that little baby looks into your eyes, you’re suddenly aware of everything that could possibly ever go wrong and everything that could ever harm them physically, mentally, emotionally…any way possible. The world is a much more dangerous place than it was mere months ago. I know, because it has been the main thing raining on my parent parade.

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Driving is nothing short of terrifying. Any cough or runny nose could be a disease. Someone could break into your home any day now. What if you’re parenting them wrong and they turn out with some sort of dysfunction and need therapy? Is public school really safe?? What if other children corrupt them? What if they’re picked on? What if they can’t concentrate and the school board blames it on a learning disability? What if they try drugs?

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What if they have some sort of food allergy you wont know about until they almost die?? What if they break a bone?

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What if some psycho snatches them out of the cart in the grocery store while you’re checking prices on cereal??? The fear is infinite. There is always something to be afraid of because you want the best and only the best for your child, but you also know the world. It’s a rough one. Life is hard. You know they’ll get hurt. You know they’ll get sick. You know bad things will happen to them. But how do we stop the fear from taking over the millions of joys we should be enjoying?

If I knew, trust me, I’d share it with you. Unfortunately, I have no clue. I do, however, have some ideas on the subject.

Besides having to go through whatever is going to happen simply because “time marches on”, I think there are ways we can avoid living in fear and go through whatever happens with joy and faith. First of all, we can make the decision. I know, it’s not as easy as it sounds. But the truth is, determination has so much power that most people don’t use. If you decide to keep your joy and have faith that your child can overcome anything, that can be the first step to living a fear-free parenthood. And a lot of it has to do with our lack of faith in our child and how we raised them. We need to make sure we instill our children with strong morals, values and principals. Not just for themselves, but for the good of the world and how they treat others. Not only can we teach these to our children, but we need to lead by example. A child who sees their parent overcome a rough situation, is much more likely to overcome one themselves when it comes their way. If we teach or children to be strong and keep faith, while also doing it ourselves, maybe we can knock out the problem all together.

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I mean, fear will always be there. But it doesn’t have to control us. And I know I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter suffering from fear that holds her back. But it’s all easy to say and plan, but fear is the strongest, most controlling emotion next to anger and love. It wont be easy. But it is worth a good try.

How do you control the fears you have as a parent?

The evil side of Spring.

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. But one thing I cannot stand: allergies.

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I’ve had hay fever for as long as I can remember. I can remember being a little girl, playing in summer, and having the worst time possible. I was constantly sneezing. Had a terribly itchy, runny nose, and itchy, watery eyes. I would rub my eyes to ease the itch but it would only make it worse. My eyes would turn pink and puff up until I could hardly see. Once, I even got hives all over my entire body. While everyone would be playing and having fun, I’d be hiding in a corner, looking like a monster. The only thing I could take back then was Benadryl. It helped my symptoms, but also knocked me out. I would take it so I could actually play with my friends, but then I’d be too tired to play with them. So Spring, Summer and early Autumn, really sucked for me.

Now that I’m older, I can take the non-drowsy medications. But seeing as how they’re very expensive, I have to get the knock-off brand. Which I don’t mind as long as it actually works. My allergies vary by day. Last year they weren’t too bad, but this year…I can tell I’m going to have problems. Once Spring started, so did my allergy symptoms. For the past few weeks, I wake up with an itchy nose and sneezing. Luckily, I have medication to take, but it hasn’t been working as well as I hoped. And if my allergies get any worse, I might need to find a different brand.

Allergies really know how to rain on someone’s parade. This time of the year you want to be outside, enjoying the beautiful flowers popping up and the warm sun that’s coming out of hiding. You don’t want to be sneezing every time you look up.

And even worse…I think Rayne might have hay fever, too. I’ve noticed she’s been starting to sneeze after playing outside or with the dogs or cats. Her’s aren’t very bad. It seems it’s just sneezing so far. But I really hope it never gets any worse than that. I know how tough it is to have such terrible allergies and I would never wish it on anyone, especially a little child who just wants to have fun.

I’m hoping this medication can hold it down, and that Rayne’s allergies don’t get any worse. Wish us luck!

Trial playground run.

Yesterday we decided to take Rayne to a playground. The last time I had taken her to a playground was when she was about 5 months old. She went on the swings and that was about it. This time, she’s almost 2, so I figured she could enjoy more things it has to offer. We took her to ‘Imagination Station’, a park that I played at when I was little. 

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She was a little apprehensive to wander in without holding on to me, probably due to the older children who seemed to be parkouring on the structure. 

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I tried to get her to open up by showing her the slide. With the help of her Aunt Amber, she made it down safely. But didn’t really enjoy it, and didn’t try to go down it again.

But then we found something she did like.

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The good old swings.

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She spend a good 20 minutes on the swings and refused to get out. I didn’t want her being a swing hog, so I took her out and tried to show her around.

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We traveled through the maze of a castle. 

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Climbed on tires.

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And watched the other kids play so comfortably.

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She never fully let loose, but her curiosity got the best of her at times, enabling her to approach interesting looking kids and stare creepily at them, while trying to steal their ball. 

So she didn’t have as great of a time as I thought she would, but I’m sure with some playground practice, she’ll be playing comfortably in no time.

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And all in all, she had a good day.

Don’t judge me.

The struggles of being a young single mom are apparent. You know to expect difficulty when you go into it, and from the outside it looks horrid. When I was pregnant I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. But I always thought to myself, “At least I’m not younger”, “At least I’m not 16 or something”. But it didn’t matter. Although I was legally an adult when I got pregnant and had just turned 20 years old when I had my daughter, people still judged me quite harshly. 

I remember being very pregnant, and seeing people stare at me. Once, while walking through the Oregon Zoo with my family, I walked past a bench that seated 3 young women. Probably in their teens. As I walked past, I heard one whisper, “Oh my God, she’s pregnant”. I didn’t understand why it would come as such a shock. Yeah, I’m young. But it’s not like I was scary young. I wasn’t going to be on ‘Teen Mom’ or anything. It hurt me that people would judge me with just a look. Because I’m not that kind of person. I wouldn’t do that to anyone else. 

After Rayne was born, whenever I would take her out, people would stop to look. Every person would make some sort of comment about my age. First they would think she belonged to my mother. Then when they found out she was mine, they had a look of shock and disappointment. These people didn’t know me. But they acted like they had, and that I had just flushed my life down the toilet. One woman said “Oh, she’s yours? She came from you? How old are you???” I told her I was 20. She replied with, “Oh, that’s not too bad”. I’m sorry, but when did it become anyone’s business but my own what my age is? You do not know me. You don’t know what kind of person I am, how responsible I am, my life, my experience, my maturity level, how capable I am to be a mother. 

One of the most memorable moments was while we were leaving the grocery store, an older woman walked by, stopped and looked into Rayne’s car seat, then casually walks off while saying, “Those things must be contagious”. At first I didn’t know what she said, so I didn’t say anything back. Once she got to the door and out, I understood. It was a stab and me being a young mom. 

The audacity someone must have, to say something so rude, cruel and unfair, to a young mother, who is already struggling, is just disgusting to me. No one has any right to judge anyone at all. Whether you know them or not. But having said that, your actions speak volumes about the kind of person you are, and that will be judged. You cannot expect to be respected, have friends, be loved or cared for, be enjoyed, etc., if you’re going to be such a nasty person. I don’t care how you perceive me, how young you think I am, or how awful you see it that someone so retched as I am is allowed to be a mother. It isn’t your place to say so. In fact, it isn’t your place to say anything about my life, my decisions or my child. If it was so against nature that I have a child and if I couldn’t handle it, God wouldn’t have blessed me with her. 

I am a good mother. That is the truth. It’s what matters. And it’s no one’s business but my own, my daughter’s and God’s. And if I am to be judged it will be by Him only. 

But I would like to actually thank everyone who took the time to make me feel terrible about myself. Everyone who made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage that has no chance at life and has already failed so miserably. Because you’re the ones who instill my determination to prove you all wrong. Which I will. I will be the best mother I can be and have a life that I consider successful. I’ve never been the type of person to care what people think of me. And I’ve never been one to follow along with everyone else, I’ve always done things my way. That’s how I will continue to live. But just because I don’t care what people think of me, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to have people judge my mothering abilities right out of the gate. 

So, if you are or were ever that person, the one who can look at a young mother and think of a thousand things to say to tear her down to show your disapproval, I hope you read this and understand how destructive it really is to be that person. Even if it is something you don’t like, do you really think making her feel unwanted and unsupported is going to help her or the child? No, it’s will only make things worse. Young moms need guidance and support so they can grow and still have a bright future for herself and her child. You might say, “wouldn’t that be telling other teens it’s okay to get pregnant?”. Do you know how ignorant that sounds? Even a successful teen mom will tell you how hard it is to be young and have a child. It’s not like having people help and support her will take that struggle away. We can all still teach on preventing pregnancy, but don’t you dare think it is okay to shun a young woman who has fallen into it. It doesn’t mean she’s a slut. It doesn’t mean she’s stupid. It just means accidents happen. Yeah, sometimes they are because they were being stupid. But a lot of the time, it just happens. I was on birth control when I got pregnant. My mother was on different types of birth control with all 5 of us girls. See, you can’t assume anything.

We need to show each other more love and support as human beings, and especially mom to mom. This isn’t a peace talk, it’s the truth. How far has hate and judgement gotten us? Oh, it’s gotten us plenty far, in the wrong direction. I’m so sick and so tired of hateful, mean spirited people. No matter what the topic is on. 

No one has any right to judge anyone else. “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” -Matthew 7:1-5

This goes for everyone, in every situation. Why doesn’t anyone get this?

Little Einsteins and the disappointing regress of music.

Part of being a parent is having to watch ridiculous shows all the time. Whenever Rayne and I watch T.V., it’s Rayne’s shows. Yo Gabba Gabba, Olivia, Bubble Guppies, Team Umizoomi, etc. I don’t mind to much because they are educational and teach things like sharing, caring, imaginative thinking, and problem solving. But one of my favorite shows that she watches, that even I like to watch, is Little Einsteins.

Little Einsteins teaches art, classical music and instruments

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Which is very refreshing. Especially when so much of today’s music is filth and a sad excuse for music. With our children growing up in a world where music no longer holds meaning or soul. It’s garbage and pathetic. For example: Image

As you can see…..This is beyond disappointing. This is the future of music for our children.

Anyways….That’s why I really enjoy this show. I was never taught this much about art and music. But I really would’ve loved to have been. I’m glad my daughter will be learning about it and I hope she grows a love for it and keeps it in her life as she grows.

Losing friends, gaining lifelong sidekick.

In becoming a mother, I’ve noticed the inevitable drastic change in any hope of a social life.I’d never been an especially social or popular person. I had few friends, and the ones I did have were very close. So close that I consider them family. But once you become a mother, you don’t really have time to be social. Even the little bit that I was, isn’t something I have the time or need for anymore. I miss the people I was very close with. Because I had grown up with them. They were all close friends since childhood. But now we all have children, or have just gone in different directions. And that’s okay. Because people change, and you grow up. Life is different than it was when we were kids. More complicated and time consuming. And we have these little children that we are responsible for, which doesn’t leave us much time to think about ourselves, let alone a social life. 

The first months of Rayne’s life were difficult for me. I was very depressed. Maybe not having a social life played a small part in it. I was alone with a baby all day. I had never been a mother before. Yet, there I was. Not sleeping. Not eating. Trying to be perfect and failing miserably. I started smoking again when Rayne was about 4 months old, I think. I had stopped right before I got pregnant (thank God), but I was under so much stress and pressure in the beginning, I felt I had to start up again. I lived on coffee and cigarettes. I didn’t speak much with any of my friends. And I didn’t see them either. Day in and day out…it was all the same. No sleep. No naps. Hardly shower. Hardly eat. And when I did eat, it wasn’t healthy. Which isn’t good when you gained 55lbs while pregnant. 

Soon, I realized how stressful smoking actually was. It was relaxing when I needed a break, but then I would obsess over avoiding any possible secondhand smoke getting to Rayne. I would pull back my hair, wear a certain jacket, wear my hood, then wash my hands, brush my teeth, chew gum, put on lotion to take the smell off of my hands, and change my clothes. Every time. So I decided to stop smoking all together. Luckily, I don’t have much of an addictive personality (unless it’s with shopping or coffee), so it was a done deal. I just said I was done, and meant it. I haven’t smoked since.

But I think I really just felt alone. I’ve always felt pretty alone but now I was alone, scared, confused, and had very low self-esteem. I’d see how all my friends who even have kids as well, would hangout together, go for drinks, go on vacations. But there I was, alone with my girl. I hadn’t even celebrated my 21st birthday. I felt rejected. I felt like after all this time, I hadn’t built strong enough bonds for anyone to want to even want to see how I was or get me out of my hell for a night. I realized I didn’t really have any friends. 

Even today I know I don’t have any close relationships with anyone. No one I confide in or converse daily with. No one to call my “best friend” or to go out with for a girl’s night. I still have family like bonds with people, but the thing about family is, sometimes you go months or even years without seeing them. Doesn’t make them less family, just not close. And I’m okay with it now. Because I know I love them all very much, but we all have our separate lives. But I came out of it with something new. A true comrade for life.

My closest confidant is a little over 2 feet tall and a toddler with an attitude. She’s 60% sassy and 40% sweet. She’s true blue, tough and stubborn. She dislikes authority and is a my-way-or-the-highway kinda girl. She keeps me on my toes and humbles me, daily. We have our disagreements, we wear on each other’s nerves. But we love each other more than anyone else on the planet could ever dream. We learn from each other. We grow with each other. We make mistakes together, and we always forgive each other. There’s no one else we’d rather spend our time with than the other. We’re cut from the same cloth and share the same blood. We share a bond that is no doubt unbreakable. She is my daughter and I am her mother. That will never change, even when we do. I’ll always be her mother, and feel the same about her 50 years from now, as I did the minute she was born. I wouldn’t change anything I’ve gone through, or any struggle. As long as I have her, I have a future. We have a future. What that future will bring us, I’m not sure. But I do know we’ll get through whatever it holds with a lot of love, fight, and hope. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we’ll do it together and conquer. This is just the beginning.

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Image Nose picker.

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