It’s been quite awhile since my last blog post. Unfortunately. I know my last post ended on an optimistic note, like a kid with all of the world in her eyes, just dreaming of all the possibilities. I wish I could tell you that optimism remains, but it does not. All of the things I went on about in my last posts are still things I’d like to do. But it seems to be harder than expected. The thing is, without money, things are less likely to go your way…or any way near your way. And if there’s any hope for it to, you have to have an extreme sense of motivation and determination. I seem to have a very small amount of both. How could I, you ask? I know. I have all the reasons to be determined and motivated. I have a toddler I have to support, I don’t have to financial stability to have our own place, I’m 22 and have yet to be headed in the direction I always planned to be in. All very good reasons to be doing whatever I have to. Having said that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Besides not having money or certain tools to go back to school, I should be trying whatever I can to get this ball rolling. What am I afraid of? Of course the first step of faith is always difficult. Especially for such a nervous person as myself.
While my mind paces, trying to find logical excuses for myself, I come across the words of a woman who has already helped me grow so much. They hit my gut like a sack of rocks, confronting my fearful self with truth.
Do it afraid.
At first I try to run from this. Try to cover it up like my conscience didn’t just dig it up as the answer to my problem. That’s the truth for other people, not for me. Not for this situation. The guilt sets in. It is for me. It is for this situation. Here comes another sack of rocks to the gut, much heavier.
How proud of me can God be when I’m wasting all the potential he has created in me?
Ouch. Revelation covers me. I try so hard to be a good person, to be something God can be proud of instead of another strayed creation looming about with their self pride. He has blessed me with motherhood, and I like to think He’d be proud of me in that area. But there’s still so much of me that has been sitting dormant for so long. And here I am, wasting precious time with fear.
God has not given us a spirit of fear. But of power, love and sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7
Well, there is is. Right in front of me. The truth. Like giving a blind person new eyes. I’m seeing 20/20 now. Maybe my biggest fear all along was that fear would cripple me and I’d never succeed, meanwhile letting it happen. Sometimes I really wonder why I have such problems living up to any sort of potential. That isn’t of God. Could it be true that the evil that detours us daily from our path is threatened by what I could be if I did live up to my potential, working it double time on making sure I stay frozen in fear? It really makes me wonder what kind of plans God has for me. I hope they’re something big. I’ve always wanted to do something big. Isn’t that silly? Someone so anti-social and full of fear wanting to do something big for the world? But it’s true. That’s my secret. It’s impossible for me to feel like a normal person, fitting into the crowd. But so far, I’ve just been hiding from it instead of standing out like I should be.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson
I want to be living proof of that quote right there. How can I do that living the way I am? I feel like I’ve been going through this for ages. Which triggers another quote to come to mind.
You’re going to keep going around the same mountain until you find the right way down.
It all makes sense. Task at hand: Find the right way off this mountain. So far what I’ve done has not worked. So where do I start? I sit, coffee in hand, pondering the situation and possibilities. I, myself, haven’t the knowledge nor the strength to figure it out alone. Therefore, step one: Pray.
Let’s see where this takes me.