Last time around this mountain.

It’s been quite awhile since my last blog post. Unfortunately. I know my last post ended on an optimistic note, like a kid with all of the world in her eyes, just dreaming of all the possibilities. I wish I could tell you that optimism remains, but it does not. All of the things I went on about in my last posts are still things I’d like to do. But it seems to be harder than expected. The thing is, without money, things are less likely to go your way…or any way near your way. And if there’s any hope for it to, you have to have an extreme sense of motivation and determination. I seem to have a very small amount of both. How could I, you ask? I know. I have all the reasons to be determined and motivated. I have a toddler I have to support, I don’t have to financial stability to have our own place, I’m 22 and have yet to be headed in the direction I always planned to be in. All very good reasons to be doing whatever I have to. Having said that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Besides not having money or certain tools to go back to school, I should be trying whatever I can to get this ball rolling. What am I afraid of? Of course the first step of faith is always difficult. Especially for such a nervous person as myself. 

While my mind paces, trying to find logical excuses for myself, I come across the words of a woman who has already helped me grow so much. They hit my gut like a sack of rocks, confronting my fearful self with truth. 

Do it afraid.

At first I try to run from this. Try to cover it up like my conscience didn’t just dig it up as the answer to my problem. That’s the truth for other people, not for me. Not for this situation. The guilt sets in. It is for me. It is for this situation. Here comes another sack of rocks to the gut, much heavier.

How proud of me can God be when I’m wasting all the potential he has created in me?

Ouch. Revelation covers me. I try so hard to be a good person, to be something God can be proud of instead of another strayed creation looming about with their self pride. He has blessed me with motherhood, and I like to think He’d be proud of me in that area. But there’s still so much of me that has been sitting dormant for so long. And here I am, wasting precious time with fear.

God has  not given us a spirit of fear. But of power, love and sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Well, there is is. Right in front of me. The truth. Like giving a blind person new eyes. I’m seeing 20/20 now. Maybe my biggest fear all along was that fear would cripple me and I’d never succeed, meanwhile letting it happen. Sometimes I really wonder why I have such problems living up to any sort of potential. That isn’t of God. Could it be true that the evil that detours us daily from our path is threatened by what I could be if I did live up to my potential, working it double time on making sure I stay frozen in fear? It really makes me wonder what kind of plans God has for me. I hope they’re something big. I’ve always wanted to do something big. Isn’t that silly? Someone so anti-social and full of fear wanting to do something big for the world? But it’s true. That’s my secret. It’s impossible for me to feel like a normal person, fitting into the crowd. But so far, I’ve just been hiding from it instead of standing out like I should be.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

I want to be living proof of that quote right there. How can I do that living the way I am? I feel like I’ve been going through this for ages. Which triggers another quote to come to mind.

You’re going to keep going around the same mountain until you find the right way down.

It all makes sense. Task at hand: Find the right way off this mountain. So far what I’ve done has not worked. So where do I start? I sit, coffee in hand, pondering the situation and possibilities. I, myself, haven’t the knowledge nor the strength to figure it out alone. Therefore, step one: Pray.

Let’s see where this takes me.

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Just callin’ it how I see ’em.

With the up coming holiday (Easter), Something has been weighing on my mind that’s quite frustrating. And as usual, I’m going to say it to all of you; 

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It boggles my mind that everyone hates Christians, yet ya’ll wanna hijack our holidays. You do know Christmas and Easter are CHRISTIAN holidays, right? So, you decide to celebrate them, turn them into your own, diminishing the integrity of them and the meaning they hold for us.

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You talk lowly of us, and despise our beliefs, but you want to do the stuff we get to? And you think you’re in some way better than us? If being a hypocritical crumb snatcher is better, I guess you are.

I suppose I shouldn’t let such ignorance get to me. “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.  If they persecuted me, they will persecute you.” John 15:18-20

At the end of the day (end of our life), we only answer for ourselves. If you’re cool with standing before God with everything you throw at us Christians/Jews, then by all means, carry on. 

I know most people will say, “There is no God, so I don’t care about what I say or do”. What a stupid thing to believe. It’s actually laughable. One of the best quotes I’ve ever read was by Albert Camus. He said,

“I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live my life as if there isn’t and die to find out there is.” 

How people don’t see things this way, I don’t understand. But, like I said, we only answer for ourselves. 

I kind of don’t even care about people not sharing my beliefs, I just can’t stand being disrespected. Everyone shouts and riots for equality and religious freedom. We all agree that racism is wrong. Everyone wants Gays to have the right of marriage. But us Christians are hardly allowed to speak our beliefs out loud without 90% of the population lashing out at us. 

Yes, I agree, a lot of Christians go about things wrongly and don’t do justice to us or Christ. But to judge and hate us all because a few Christians have the wrong idea? Does that sound right to you? Didn’t think so.

I know it openly says in the Bible that Christians will be persecuted for our beliefs. It is what it is. But I’m not the kind of Christian to keep my mouth shut about it. I’ve always said what’s on my mind, with everything, including my beliefs, and to whoever needs to hear it. I say what needs to be said. And this is something that needs to be said. 

Conclusion: Be an Atheist, I don’t care. But don’t you dare disrespect me and my beliefs, then take our holidays and turn them into your own meaningless celebration.