Serious Mom Guilt.

Everyone knows being a mom is tough business. No mother is perfect, we all make mistakes. We just have to forgive ourselves and move on, trying to improve along the way. But ‘Mom Guilt’ is not so easy to kick. Especially in first time moms, like yours truly. I try my best to forgive myself and just go with the flow. But I recently discovered some serious ‘Mom Guilt’ and am suffering to the point of borderline depression.

A few days ago I was trying to brush Rayne’s teeth, since she can’t do it correctly herself. While her head was tipped back and I was scrubbing those molars, I noticed one tooth was not coming clean. A cavity! DEVASTATION. There’s something you should know about me. I’m obsessed with healthy teeth. I have nightmares of cavities and rotting teeth. So when I found this my soul was crushed. It wasn’t just crushed because of the disgusting thought of a rotting tooth. It was mostly because MY daughter has one. How could I let this happen!?!? She’s only 2. This is terrible! It’s very difficult when I try not to allow so much candy and juice, but she gets spoiled rotten by everyone else around her. I can’t even count how many times I’ve told her no and her Grandma, Aunties or Papaw has given in to her behind my back. It’s very frustrating.

Even though I wasn’t joyfully handing her candy everyday and carelessly allowing her toothers to rot, I still feel horribly guilty. I can’t imagine my little one not being healthy. And definitely not on my watch! It’s a very bad feeling to know I wasn’t doing the best I could. And how embarrassing to look a dentist in the eye and tell him your toddler has a cavity! I’m dreading the dentist. I feel like I failed. Yes, I know. They’re just baby teeth, she’ll lose them and get new ones. That doesn’t make me feel better. When we were little, three of my sisters had to get their 4 front teeth pulled out at a very young age. They didn’t grow back until they were between 6 and 8. I could never forgive myself if anything of the sort happened to Rayne. I know I just have to deal with it and move on. But it’s a hard pill to swallow for me.

This may sound very silly to most people, especially if they aren’t parents. But it’s something that’s really getting me down.

Have you ever felt like a failure as a parent? How’d you get through it?

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Just something…

Rain gathers in my window sill. Kind of like everything I’ve been running from, flooding my chest. The pressure on my heart, giving it a tight squeeze whenever my secret failures come out of someone else’s mouth. I thought they had forgotten. I guess I wasn’t invisible enough. Sorrow fills my limbs like sand, weighing me down. I’m starting to drown. Clothed in fear. Watch closely as I disappear. Do I look pretty, with my painted on smile? Just trying to stay in line, single file. I’ve created this mess that I’m suffocating in. But it’s getting harder to pretend. I’ve hit a dead end. God, tell me what you recommend. My strength is running so thin. Slowed to a crawl. I hardly survived the fall. Trying so hard to dig myself out. This can’t be what life is about.