Pregnancy Update: The End Is Near.

36 weeks and 2 days today. 

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Honestly, I’m so ready for this baby to be born already! The excitement mixed with the pure exhaustion of being 9 months pregnant, is really setting in. I’m getting a little stir crazy up in here. Rearranging, organizing, re-rearranging, re-organizing. I just want to hold her and get this ball rolling. Maybe I’m just impatient, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel this at some point in your pregnancy(ies).

Beside the hardly ever sleeping, I’m feeling great. Yes, I’m tired and waddling around is getting old. But I’m really trying to keep humble and positive. 

I FINALLY got HypnoBirthing The Mongan Method from my library. I had been waiting for weeks! And let me tell you what, It’s an AMAZING book. Even if you aren’t Hypnobirthing, it’s fantastic to read during pregnancy. I could write a whole post on the book…(maybe I will later). Anyway, it’s really helping prepare my mind for birth and comfort me while I wait. It’s nice to be in a positive mindset at this point in time.

Tomorrow is my weekly check up and I’m planning on presenting my doctor with my birth plan. I am a little nervous, but it’s very important for me to make known what I’m hoping for and at the same time, let her see that I have made an effort to be knowledgeable about labor and birth and my options, and that I have every intention to be making the decisions. After basically taking the backseat during my first labor and birth experience, there is no way I will allow that this time. I know most of that was because of the nurses at that certain hospital, but having this birth plan will show them I mean business and wont be pushed around. 

I’m feeling very confident at this point and, thanks to Hypnobirthing, not afraid. Fear tends to hijack our pregnancies, labors and birth experiences. I’m so glad I found Hypnobirthing and had my mind opened to how ridiculous it really is. I’m taking back my birth experience and it’s going to be awesome!! 

I’m excited, can’t you tell?

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Update, I’m Feeling Great.

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As of today, I am 35 weeks and 1 day. 33 days to go IF I make it to 40 week. Which, I really don’t think I will.

I’m feeling so much better than I had been for the past few weeks. My last appointment went great and I’ve only been feeling better and better. I hardly ever have any itching at all anymore!! My doctor assumed my daily allergy medicine was helping (because Cholestasis doesn’t just go away), But I haven’t been taking my allergy medicine for almost a week now, and the itching is even less! I’m calling MIRACLE on this one, guys. I was so afraid, worried and disappointed when my otherwise care-free pregnancy became something to worry about. My mom was praying against it and I was just praying for a healthy baby. I couldn’t sleep at night because when I did I would just toss and turn with a nervousness in my stomach or dream about being induced to save my baby’s life. And out of nowhere it all just went away. The itching, the worry, the stress, the fear. How amazing is that!?

I have an appointment tomorrow, another NST, which I’m sure will go just fine. But I wanted to do an early update. As of today, I am so EXCITED. I can’t wait for my little girl to arrive and come home so we can all start our lives together. I know there will be a lot of sleepless nights, probably older sibling issues, a struggle to establish a routine, etc. But I just want to dive into it already! 

I really believe she’ll come before 40 weeks. Rayne was born around 38 weeks. I’m hoping for the same with this one. That’s only a few weeks!! I’m trying to hurry and get everything ready, but it never seems good enough for my insatiable urge to nest. All day I want to organize and re-organize. I just have nowhere to re-organize to! I’m trying to figure out different ways to put together a more accessible environment for when baby gets here, which is proving to be difficult seeing as how there is limited space already (I share a room with a 3-year-old). 

And of course I think about labor. What will happen, how will I do, will my self practice of Hypnobirthing help at all or did I do it wrong and will end up losing my shit and beg for an epidural..etc., etc. All I know is, I’m going to try my best and at the end I know I’ll forget about any pain and be on cloud nine. 

My mind is racing 972478627 thoughts a minute, but I’m doing well. Excited. Very excited. And tired. But mostly excited.

The worst part about being a parent.

 We’ve all heard it before, “Becoming a parent was the best thing to ever happen to me!”. Before you have a child, you kind of just blow this statement off.  But when/if you’re lucky enough to experience having a child, you know that feeling. That sudden rush of overwhelming love pulling at you like an undertow, making your heart feel 50x bigger than you could’ve ever imagined it could grow. Life now has purpose, unlike you’ve ever known. You see the bigger picture. This is what it’s all about. And it’s true. As ridiculously mushy and sentimental as it may be, all of it is true. Having a child is the best thing to ever happen to you. Having said that, it is also the most challenging.

Everyone knows there are quite a bit of downfalls to having a child. Although, most of the people discussing these downfalls are not parents. But, it is a fact. I suppose it depends on the person as to which is the worst of all.

Some believe it to be the ‘Terrible Twos’.

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Although this is a VERY difficult part, as long as you keep your patience and understand that your child is learning how to express emotions they don’t understand and it’s your job to teach them, you’ll be alright. And truth be told, sometimes when they’re stomping their tiny feet and screaming at you, it’s hard not to laugh.

Some think the worst part to be teen angst.

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I must admit, this part really does scare me. But at the same time, I went through it and survived, and so did my mother. I’m aware it’s something I will have to deal with, but it wont be the end of the world.

A lot of people (especially people who don’t have children), think their inability to go out drinking and having a grand ole time with their kids free friends all the time is the most devastating part.

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I guess for some, this could be a real issue. But honestly, good parents lose interest in partying and prefer to spend time with their children. Even those who once were what some would call ‘wild’, change their ways by instinct. Most of the time this naturally fades.

This one is a downer…the ‘Frumpy Mom’.

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It’s hard, ladies. I know. With a baby on your hip, or a toddler at your heels begging for attention, it’s not easy to get/keep yourself lookin’ fly. There are times when you forget yourself all together. Your clothes are out dated and baggy. Your hair is a rat’s nest. And for goodness sakes, when was the last time you shaved your legs in private (or at all)?! But by taking the initiative to have some ‘me time’ every day, week, etc., you really can prevent this. Mostly it’s just a misconception that moms who take care of themselves are selfish. Which is complete hogwash. A woman who takes good care of herself, is always better equipped to take care of others.

Now, all of these things are not fun, but they aren’t the worst. In my opinion, none of these hold a candle to the real downfall of being a parent. The real horrible part of being a parent is the fear.

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The moment that little baby looks into your eyes, you’re suddenly aware of everything that could possibly ever go wrong and everything that could ever harm them physically, mentally, emotionally…any way possible. The world is a much more dangerous place than it was mere months ago. I know, because it has been the main thing raining on my parent parade.

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Driving is nothing short of terrifying. Any cough or runny nose could be a disease. Someone could break into your home any day now. What if you’re parenting them wrong and they turn out with some sort of dysfunction and need therapy? Is public school really safe?? What if other children corrupt them? What if they’re picked on? What if they can’t concentrate and the school board blames it on a learning disability? What if they try drugs?

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What if they have some sort of food allergy you wont know about until they almost die?? What if they break a bone?

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What if some psycho snatches them out of the cart in the grocery store while you’re checking prices on cereal??? The fear is infinite. There is always something to be afraid of because you want the best and only the best for your child, but you also know the world. It’s a rough one. Life is hard. You know they’ll get hurt. You know they’ll get sick. You know bad things will happen to them. But how do we stop the fear from taking over the millions of joys we should be enjoying?

If I knew, trust me, I’d share it with you. Unfortunately, I have no clue. I do, however, have some ideas on the subject.

Besides having to go through whatever is going to happen simply because “time marches on”, I think there are ways we can avoid living in fear and go through whatever happens with joy and faith. First of all, we can make the decision. I know, it’s not as easy as it sounds. But the truth is, determination has so much power that most people don’t use. If you decide to keep your joy and have faith that your child can overcome anything, that can be the first step to living a fear-free parenthood. And a lot of it has to do with our lack of faith in our child and how we raised them. We need to make sure we instill our children with strong morals, values and principals. Not just for themselves, but for the good of the world and how they treat others. Not only can we teach these to our children, but we need to lead by example. A child who sees their parent overcome a rough situation, is much more likely to overcome one themselves when it comes their way. If we teach or children to be strong and keep faith, while also doing it ourselves, maybe we can knock out the problem all together.

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I mean, fear will always be there. But it doesn’t have to control us. And I know I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter suffering from fear that holds her back. But it’s all easy to say and plan, but fear is the strongest, most controlling emotion next to anger and love. It wont be easy. But it is worth a good try.

How do you control the fears you have as a parent?

Just something…

Rain gathers in my window sill. Kind of like everything I’ve been running from, flooding my chest. The pressure on my heart, giving it a tight squeeze whenever my secret failures come out of someone else’s mouth. I thought they had forgotten. I guess I wasn’t invisible enough. Sorrow fills my limbs like sand, weighing me down. I’m starting to drown. Clothed in fear. Watch closely as I disappear. Do I look pretty, with my painted on smile? Just trying to stay in line, single file. I’ve created this mess that I’m suffocating in. But it’s getting harder to pretend. I’ve hit a dead end. God, tell me what you recommend. My strength is running so thin. Slowed to a crawl. I hardly survived the fall. Trying so hard to dig myself out. This can’t be what life is about. 

Last time around this mountain.

It’s been quite awhile since my last blog post. Unfortunately. I know my last post ended on an optimistic note, like a kid with all of the world in her eyes, just dreaming of all the possibilities. I wish I could tell you that optimism remains, but it does not. All of the things I went on about in my last posts are still things I’d like to do. But it seems to be harder than expected. The thing is, without money, things are less likely to go your way…or any way near your way. And if there’s any hope for it to, you have to have an extreme sense of motivation and determination. I seem to have a very small amount of both. How could I, you ask? I know. I have all the reasons to be determined and motivated. I have a toddler I have to support, I don’t have to financial stability to have our own place, I’m 22 and have yet to be headed in the direction I always planned to be in. All very good reasons to be doing whatever I have to. Having said that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Besides not having money or certain tools to go back to school, I should be trying whatever I can to get this ball rolling. What am I afraid of? Of course the first step of faith is always difficult. Especially for such a nervous person as myself. 

While my mind paces, trying to find logical excuses for myself, I come across the words of a woman who has already helped me grow so much. They hit my gut like a sack of rocks, confronting my fearful self with truth. 

Do it afraid.

At first I try to run from this. Try to cover it up like my conscience didn’t just dig it up as the answer to my problem. That’s the truth for other people, not for me. Not for this situation. The guilt sets in. It is for me. It is for this situation. Here comes another sack of rocks to the gut, much heavier.

How proud of me can God be when I’m wasting all the potential he has created in me?

Ouch. Revelation covers me. I try so hard to be a good person, to be something God can be proud of instead of another strayed creation looming about with their self pride. He has blessed me with motherhood, and I like to think He’d be proud of me in that area. But there’s still so much of me that has been sitting dormant for so long. And here I am, wasting precious time with fear.

God has  not given us a spirit of fear. But of power, love and sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7

Well, there is is. Right in front of me. The truth. Like giving a blind person new eyes. I’m seeing 20/20 now. Maybe my biggest fear all along was that fear would cripple me and I’d never succeed, meanwhile letting it happen. Sometimes I really wonder why I have such problems living up to any sort of potential. That isn’t of God. Could it be true that the evil that detours us daily from our path is threatened by what I could be if I did live up to my potential, working it double time on making sure I stay frozen in fear? It really makes me wonder what kind of plans God has for me. I hope they’re something big. I’ve always wanted to do something big. Isn’t that silly? Someone so anti-social and full of fear wanting to do something big for the world? But it’s true. That’s my secret. It’s impossible for me to feel like a normal person, fitting into the crowd. But so far, I’ve just been hiding from it instead of standing out like I should be.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

I want to be living proof of that quote right there. How can I do that living the way I am? I feel like I’ve been going through this for ages. Which triggers another quote to come to mind.

You’re going to keep going around the same mountain until you find the right way down.

It all makes sense. Task at hand: Find the right way off this mountain. So far what I’ve done has not worked. So where do I start? I sit, coffee in hand, pondering the situation and possibilities. I, myself, haven’t the knowledge nor the strength to figure it out alone. Therefore, step one: Pray.

Let’s see where this takes me.

Home.

Home. No place I’d ever been. Until your arms shoveled me up, wrapping me tight like a python. Showing me the warmth I’ve been missing. Taking these walls down, brick by brick. I’ve built them so thick. You kiss my neck. I try not to panic. My nerves in a frenzy. When you said you love me, were you kidding? How can I turn my back now, on something so real? At least that’s how it feels. I’m like a fish out of water. You can’t fix me, so don’t bother. I’ll try to run away from you. That’s just what I do. Don’t let me get too far. Don’t let me fall apart. So many fears, I don’t know where to start. I’m broken to bits. Sift through the wreckage, keep what’s still good. If you could help me, I know you would. But it doesn’t work that way I guess. You’ll have your hands full with this mess. But I’ll try my best. Because there’s no other hands I’d rather be in.

Step one.

In my last post, I hashed out an issue that had been pressuring me for a long time. At the end of the post I had found my answer. I decided I’m going to step out into the very scary and unfamiliar darkness and take a step toward improving myself, my life and my future. The next morning I sent in an application to be enrolled in the local college.

I’m very anxious taking this step. But I’m also very excited. I waited a long time to do it because I haven’t a clue what to do with myself. I can’t picture myself in any profession. I can’t even say I could commit long enough to have a career. But I don’t really care anymore. I guess I stayed in my comfort zone so long, now I’m kicking myself out. I’m forcing myself to do something for me. So I’m going to try to go to school for english. You know, literature, writing, etc. I love to write and I’d love to do something someday with my love of writing. But even if I don’t, I still want to do this.
Maybe I’ll stick with it and become a professional writer. Maybe I’ll try my hand at something else. Maybe I’ll bounce around my whole life and not really be bound to anything except my daughter. Who knows? I certainly don’t. But I can’t let my fear of the unknown keep me in this tiny box, holding me hostage from my potential. This is a new chapter in my life. And if nothing else, an experience. And that’s worth enough for me.