Phew! Birth Plan, Check!

Today I had my check up/ NST. I was a little nervous because I would be presenting my birth plan, or what I named “My Birth Preference”.

I thought it would be a little too natural for my doctor, but as she was reading, she kept saying, “Mhm, Perfect”. Which made me feel better. I told her that if there was anything she wasn’t comfortable with I would like to discuss it. The only thing she asked for me to change slightly, was the part where I asked to not have an IV. She said it’s if fine for me to self hydrate, but she would like to have an IV put in, but not hooked up. Just in case something happens and I need medication or hydration through it, because it might be harder to get one in place if I were say, to hemorrhage. Which I understand completely, and agree. I would rather have a ‘just in case’ than have to get poked a bunch in an emergency. 

But, besides that, she agreed to everything! I was worried because a lot of what I asked does take up more of her time. But she is awesome and was happy with everything! 

What exactly did I put in my birth plan?

  1. Natural birth, no pain medications and avoiding all unnecessary interventions.
  2. Because I am Hypnobirthing, I ask for a very peaceful, calm environment. Dimmed lights, soft speaking, limited interruptions and as much alone time as I can be allowed.
  3. Self hydration.
  4. I would like to be allowed to move around as I feel comfortable.
  5. I would Like to deliver in a position comfortable for me.
  6. I will be delaying clamping and cutting of the umbilical cord until after it has stopped pulsing.
  7. Immediate skin-to-skin or “Kangaroo Care” is very important to me.
  8. I would like to delay all newborn procedures until after we have had time to bond and nurse.
  9. Baby will be exclusively breastfed and will not have any formula or pacifiers.
  10. Baby will room with me at all times.

Honestly, I could ask for more. But these are the things I found very important or a “must have” for this labor and birth experience. I’m so glad I can feel confident that I will be able to have the birth I want without being opposed. It’s a major weight off of me for sure!

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Pregnancy Update: The End Is Near.

36 weeks and 2 days today. 

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Honestly, I’m so ready for this baby to be born already! The excitement mixed with the pure exhaustion of being 9 months pregnant, is really setting in. I’m getting a little stir crazy up in here. Rearranging, organizing, re-rearranging, re-organizing. I just want to hold her and get this ball rolling. Maybe I’m just impatient, but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel this at some point in your pregnancy(ies).

Beside the hardly ever sleeping, I’m feeling great. Yes, I’m tired and waddling around is getting old. But I’m really trying to keep humble and positive. 

I FINALLY got HypnoBirthing The Mongan Method from my library. I had been waiting for weeks! And let me tell you what, It’s an AMAZING book. Even if you aren’t Hypnobirthing, it’s fantastic to read during pregnancy. I could write a whole post on the book…(maybe I will later). Anyway, it’s really helping prepare my mind for birth and comfort me while I wait. It’s nice to be in a positive mindset at this point in time.

Tomorrow is my weekly check up and I’m planning on presenting my doctor with my birth plan. I am a little nervous, but it’s very important for me to make known what I’m hoping for and at the same time, let her see that I have made an effort to be knowledgeable about labor and birth and my options, and that I have every intention to be making the decisions. After basically taking the backseat during my first labor and birth experience, there is no way I will allow that this time. I know most of that was because of the nurses at that certain hospital, but having this birth plan will show them I mean business and wont be pushed around. 

I’m feeling very confident at this point and, thanks to Hypnobirthing, not afraid. Fear tends to hijack our pregnancies, labors and birth experiences. I’m so glad I found Hypnobirthing and had my mind opened to how ridiculous it really is. I’m taking back my birth experience and it’s going to be awesome!! 

I’m excited, can’t you tell?

Basking In My Non-Perfect-Parentness.

It’s no secret that “perfect” parents do not exist. 

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In the beginning I think we all feel the need to be “perfect“. We have this vision of the kind of parent we want to be, and we’ll be so much better/cooler than other parents who can’t seem to get it right. We have all the answers. Then we actually have a kid and, oh shit, we don’t have any answers at all. We’re fumbling around like blind rats trying to juggle while walking a tight rope. Suddenly, we suck. The realization hits. This shit is HARD.

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I can openly admit to going through the “I have the answers” phase. I know I have made other parents feel bad, even if I really didn’t mean to. I was just all stuck up and thought I knew better than them and that’s why their kids were cray. I quickly grew out of that phase after the first year with my daughter. I think most parents go through a sort of transition with their first child. At some point we realize we aren’t perfect, nor will we ever be. And we loosen up, let go of things that really don’t matter so we can have some sort of sanity, and so we don’t destroy our children. 

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Today I am proud to say I AM NOT A PERFECT PARENT BY ANY MEANS. I know that being perfect in any aspect of life is impossible. But that doesn’t stop me from having mom guilt, judging myself, judging other parents, and feeling like shit when other parents on their high horses make stupid comments that I know are ridiculous, but still bug me anyways.

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Okay, so, there’s this mom whom I follow on Instagram. I typically like following her, but today she posted something that really got under my skin. She started off with how she’s not a perfect parent. I was like, “Cool, me neither. Love seeing parents embrace their non-perfectness.” Then I read on to her reasons for not being a perfect parent….like, letting her daughter eat junk food once a month, or have some juice when they go out to eat on occasions, watch the baby channel twice a day even though “it’s tv, and not good“, or the fact that her daughter has had chips, cookies and has even tasted ice cream! *GASP* 

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Seriously? It’s like that really skinny friend who is always whining about being fat, knowing you’re bigger than she is but continues to talk about it in front of you. SHUT. UP.

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I’m not saying it was her intention to offend me or any other parent. But she did. If she thinks those things make her far from perfect, what would she think about my parenting? I honestly felt that if I mentioned the things that make me a non-perfect parent, she would judge me hardcore. If those tiny little things make her not perfect, I must be a train wreck of a parent!

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If she really is that strict, good for her, if that’s how she chooses to parent. But, in all honesty, when I hear parents talk about little things like that I feel like they aren’t being honest, and are actually looking for praise. You know, for someone to say, “Oh, if that’s all you do wrong then you’re an amazing parent!” Like I said, if she really is that strict, good for her. Maybe I’m just getting offended because of my own insecurities. 

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You wanna know what makes me a non-perfect parent? (I can’t fit everything, but here’s a few):

  1. Rayne watches TV everyday. Anything from educational shows, not so educational shows, Family Guy *GASP*, American Dad *DOUBLE GASP*, and you know what? She’s watched Dexter with me. Yeah, that’s right, she’s watched Dexter. Get over it.
  2. She HATES veggies and is very picky about fruit. I would LOVE to feed her only healthy foods, but she’s picky and will have none of it. She eats whatever we eat. Which is anything from eggs and bacon, pasta, pizza, tacos, etc. I don’t typically eat or buy fast food, but, yeah, sometimes she has a freakin’ Happy Meal. 
  3. She drinks chocolate milk almost everyday. I don’t like giving her juice because she has had tummy problems with it in the past, and for the health of her teeth, but she is allowed to have Tummy Yummies (a juice with less sugar, plus vitamins).
  4. Speaking of teeth, she’s had two cavities already. Yep, I still feel awful about it. But what are you gonna do? She has a filling, and might have to get another for the second cavity. Yes, I try to make sure we brush her teeth, but that shits hard, and sometimes it doesn’t get done right due to her crying and kicking me away. 
  5. She doesn’t have a bath EVERYDAY. Sometimes, especially being almost 9 months pregnant, I’m too tired to get her in the sink or fight with her about a bath/shower. It’s not like I let her grow mold or walk around stinking. But sometimes I just don’t give an eff if she goes to bed with dirty hands, hair and feet. There’s always tomorrow. 
  6. Sometimes I raise my voice, or give a swat on her butt if it comes to that. Everyone has different opinions on discipline. Some people are very against spanking and whatnot. If you can discipline your child without ever losing your shit, that’s great. But I don’t see anything wrong with a little butt swat or a firm voice when it’s needed. You don’t know how sassy my kid gets or how difficult she can be sometimes. So I discipline how I see fit for our little family. And honestly, I hardly ever use a spanking. But I have no problem using it. I grew up with very harsh punishments. And I know I would never use any of them on my children. I never even feel tempted to. So when people say spanking your kid makes them think hitting you or someone else is okay, you’re wrong. I was beaten with a belt, hanger, phone cord, etc. and never once hit my parents or anyone else. And that isn’t counting the abuse I endured. I can honestly say I have never even thought of using anything close to that on my child. 
  7. I don’t care if she eats dirt. God made dirt, dirt don’t hurt. The end.
  8. She hardly ever brushes her hair. I do not brush my hair. I have thick wavy hair that only frizzes when I attempt to put a brush through it. So, I don’t think I should be able to tell her she has to use a brush either. It’s nice to get it combed out, but it really doesn’t seem important to me if her hair is out of place.
  9. I don’t care about what clothes she wears. I usually let Rayne pick out her own clothes, if she chooses to wear clothes at all. Obviously, if we’re going out of the house she needs clothes. But if we’re staying in, I don’t care if she stays in jammies all day or runs around in her underwear. And when she does wear clothes, they usually don’t match. Who really cares? Since when is a child’s outfit important? I think letting her wear what she wants and choosing what she likes gives her independence, and lets her express herself how she chooses.
  10. I don’t have a bedtime for Rayne. Yep, that’s right. I don’t make her go to bed at any certain time. If she’s up till 11pm, oh well. Usually I will tell her she’s gotta start calming down and getting in bedtime mode, but I never force her to go to bed at a certain time. BFD

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These are only 10 reasons off the top of my head that make me SO NOT PERFECT. I’m sure there’s a lot more though. My point is, I’m willing to admit these things, and I can’t say that I actually feel bad about any of them. My child is never in harms way, she is healthy, smart, kind, and constantly impressing me with how quickly she learns. I don’t have any concerns about her development. So what she watches TV? So what she doesn’t eat broccoli? So what she’s usually dirty, has messy hair and stays up late? SO EFFING WHAT?! She’s my daughter, and she’s wonderful, despite all these terrible things I expose her to. 

Good News Alert!

If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know I’ve been struggling with the fear of possibly having pregnancy Cholestasis. I’ve been going in weekly for NSTs (non-stress tests). When my doctor responded to my itchy hands and feet with these NSTs and a blood test, assuming it was Cholestasis, my heart broke. I had been having a perfectly normal pregnancy, everything going well, until that appointment and that stupid annoying itching. Suddenly we had to monitor my baby and possibly discuss induction depending on my bile levels, which would really cut into my hopes for a very natural birth. Not to mention the stress of never knowing if baby was doing okay from one minute to the next. Thank God, so far, baby has passed all the NSTs with flying colors, and my first blood test showed negative for Cholestasis. However, my doctor did say that it usually takes awhile before showing in a blood test.

As time has gone on, the stress has eased a bit. And the itching has just gotten down right confusing. With Cholestasis, the most common symptom is intense itching, usually on the hands and feet. My itching has been really on and off. Luckily, it has been mild-moderate when I do have it, but I can go long periods of time without itching at all. Even having mild itching, it is terrible. For most of last week I would go to bed at night, only to wake up an hour later itching, then be up all night! It was exhausting. When the weekend came on, my itching just stopped. It was like a miracle from God. Seriously, I was like, “THANK YOU,GOD!!” 

So, today I mentioned to my doctor how on and off my itching is and that when I do have it, it’s not nearly as bad as it has been at times. My doctor was glad to hear it, because according to her, in most Cholestasis cases, the itching only gets worse and worse. And doesn’t really become harmful to baby until it is really bad itching. Since mine isn’t bad and sometimes not even there, she’s not concerned about it harming baby, and even thinks it might not even be Cholestasis! HELLO! GREAT NEWS! She even wants to postpone the blood test she wanted to do, because she really don’t think it would show anything. 

PHEW!

So, as of now, we’re keeping an eye on the itching, still doing NSTs every week just to be extra safe, and everything else looks great! I was so relieved to have this conversation with her today. I feel like I can finally relax and my natural hypnobirth is STILL ON! YAY! I definitely feel that my prayers have been answered, and have no fear that anything will rear it’s head to harm baby or myself. And if it does, I’m already 34+ weeks, so there isn’t much more time left in this pregnancy.

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Totally chillaxing with some hot cocoa and a danish. I deserve it after all the stress I’ve been through.

 

 

Oh, AND, when I got home, my package of BumGenius cloth diapers had arrived! Double yay! 

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Seriously, guys. So happy.

A woman with the appetite of a man.

I wouldn’t say I’m a “skinny” person. I’ve always been curvy. I remember developing sooner than the other girls I went to school with. I didn’t understand why they were stick thin and I had hips for miles. At 12 years old I had the shape of a grown woman. I was always extremely self-conscious of my body. I was never comfortable. All of my friends were thinner than me. And since no one was used to someone my age with a body like that, I was considered fat. In the 8th grade I was 135lbs. Which is my current weight. At the time I felt so ashamed that I wasn’t 100 to 115lbs. Why was my body different?

Looking back now, I know I wasn’t “fat”. I was curvy. There’s a big difference. But I was still treated “fat”. Even by my closest friends. I would hear comments like “You aren’t that big” or “You’re just seasonally plump, and it’s always the season”. I wasn’t plump. I was just too womanly shaped for my age. Now I get comments like, “You’ve got great birthing hips!” or “You’re voluptuous!”, I like those better than the others.

Throughout my 22 years, my body has fluctuated between 125lbs and 140lbs, depending on what was going on in my life. Before I got pregnant with Rayne I was at a very comfortable 130lbs. For once in my life, I was about 95% comfortable with my body. When I was pregnant I gained 55lbs. After I had her I lost a little, but stopped around 162lbs. I felt disgusting. I would wear sweaters in public because I would think to myself, “No one wants to see this fat”. I couldn’t leave the house without a sweater. Just going to the grocery store was difficult. I was so paranoid that everyone was looking at me thinking about how gross I was. I couldn’t stand it.

Last May, I made a decision to start losing the weight. I was 162lbs and wanted to get down to 130lbs. I’ve lost all but 5lbs. I will lose the last 5lbs, and maybe more. I’m not sure yet. But I’m not nearly as self-conscious now. I feel healthier and just all around better. But, there’s something about me you should know. I am a woman with the appetite of a man. It the beginning of the weight loss I was counting calories and making better food choices. But after the first 20lbs, I went back to eating whatever I feel like eating. Yet, I continue to lose weight. 

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I am a person who absolutely loves food. Good food. I love to cook and I love to eat. And I’m never going to deprive myself of what I want to eat. But I don’t let food control me either. If I want something, I eat it. If I don’t think I should, I don’t. But you’ll never catch me passing up a jalapeno cheese burger for a simple salad. In fact this 135lb woman has no problem eating like a 200lb man. It even sometimes surprises me how much I can put away. 

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I hate that everyone stresses so much about food. It’s just another way we make our lives more difficult than they have to be. Eat what you feel like eating, but get off of your ass and get some exercise as well! Yes, I eat what I want. No, I’m not just one of those lucky girls who can eat a horse and not gain a pound. It takes work to control your weight, let alone lose some. I do not eat like a beast and sit in front of the T.V. all day. I walk everyday. It’s always been the only thing that works for me as far as exercise goes. I walk at least an hour a day. Sometimes I mix in some hardcore yard work with it. Yard work is excellent exercise. Plus, I’m always chasing around a toddler. That’s an exercise all in itself.

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I’m not saying go and eat a box of donuts and greasy burgers for dinner 
(unless you want to). I’m just saying it shouldn’t be such an issue for us to enjoy food. A lot of people have a hard time with control and discipline when it comes to food. I understand that. But we are humans! The smartest of all species! Right? I think we can handle food. We don’t need to waste money on diet pills that don’t work and crazy diets that contradict each other. It’s called eat right and exercise! I may not always “eat right“, but I make sure to exercise off whatever I just put on. It makes my life much easier and happier. I love food and now I can enjoy it without hating myself!

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I will always eat juicy steaks, delicious burgers, amazing nachos, and stuff myself with my Grandma’s chicken and cheese enchiladas (what we had for dinner tonight). I will never deprive myself. But I will never let myself get over weight either. Anyways….The point is, enjoy your food! It should be a good part of life!

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(Disclaimer: If you eat like I do, you will have a fat ass. Even though I exercise everyday, and I’ve lost a lot of weight and continue to lose weight, my ass is still fat. It might be hereditary, but if not, consider yourself warned.) 

I always come out ranting like a crazy hippie: Life is too difficult. Let’s go for plan B.

After months of struggling with on and off depression, wishing I was someone else and somewhere else, living in regret and bound by nostalgia, I had a little bit of hope that things would turn around soon. In fact, my whole family has been pretty excited for this week while awaiting a certain check coming in the mail. We had plans to escape our lives for a day or two at the Oregon Coast. I haven’t been to the beach since last summer, before Rayne was a year old. As I’ve said before, since I had Rayne, I have not had a vacation, a girl’s night out, or even celebrated my birthday. So I was really looking forward to being able to get out of the house and take some wonderful photos of my baby girl on the beach. 

But today we learned that was not going to be possible. For one reason or another, our plans to take a break from this stress pit will not be followed through, having to do with that special check. Of course disappointment washed over all of us when we found out. See, disappointment is a part of life. You will experience it. But our family in particular has been experiencing it at least my whole life. My mother is more at peace with most situations, casting her cares on God with ease. The rest of us, however, are not so mature and grown in our faith. We get dreadfully weary waiting for goodness to shine upon our circumstances, and being shot down time and time again as if we’re in a boxing match with a universe that wants us to fail and live forever in strife. Every hit cuts a little deeper into our hope and positivity. Shrinking us down and making us weak. Forcing us to feel defeated, yet again.

I know what you’re thinking, “over a beach trip?”. It’s not about the beach trip. The check was suppose to cover a number of things in order to bring us back above water. But we found out it was only going to be able to temporarily cover a couple of those things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for that. But when you’re always fighting and hoping for better days, just to reach mediocre days, it’s quite exhausting. 

While my sister was delivering the news to me, she said something that irritated me, but I knew how she felt. She said, “What’s the point in being positive when it never gets us anywhere?”. It made me sad that at almost 18, she had already lost hope for having a good life. I wanted to snap back and spout out some lecture about how negativity will just make everything worse and how we have to keep positive to see results. But I knew I would be a hypocrite. I’ve struggled with negativity my whole life. I was the most negative person I ever knew. But I’ve been trying to change. It just hasn’t been going as smoothly as hoped. I knew I couldn’t tell her anything about it. I was keeping my poker face well displayed so I didn’t bring her down even more, but inside I was feeling the same as she was. I felt like giving up. At least if I didn’t try so hard to be positive and hopeful, I wouldn’t be so exhausted feeling when I get disappointed. But I know that’s not right. I can’t accept a less than great life for myself, my daughter and for the rest of my family. We are good people that deserve to not worry day to day. But that’s where we are right now. Worrying, stressing, feeling disappointed. Will it ever end? I wish I knew the answer to that question. I’ve never been the kind of person to want to know their future, but a simple yes or no to that question would help a lot. 

Ever since I was little, I would dream of having a fabulous fun filled life for my whole family. One where we could be happy everyday and fulfill our dreams and goals. So that when we die, we could feel ready and accomplished. Like we didn’t waste our time. To be honest if I died without fulfilling at least some of my goals, I’ll feel like a waste of time. Like there was no point to me being alive whatsoever. What’s the point of me being alive if I’m never able to live how I want or do or see things that I want? Or even just do something useful for other people. But I know that life cannot be about just this. Worrying, struggling, strife. That’s not how it’s suppose to be.

I’m to a point where I really just want to say….

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I literally want to say this about everything. I want to give up on trying so hard to just live. I want to stop trying to make everyone happy and trying live how society thinks I should. And stop giving into this constant struggle like it’s the one controlling my life. And basically just live life like a whole party. Doing what I want, when I want and having a blast with the people I love. Why aren’t we doing this?!?!?! Who decided we have to make life so serious and difficult? The only thing controlling this world is money. Money that hardly anyone has. So lets just chalk it up to “time for plan B” and party like it ain’t no thang. Money is controlling us. Aren’t we human beings? The most intelligent of all species? Why are we bowing down to a bunch of pieces of green paper? We invented it, we can destroy it and call a re-do. The whole world needs to start over with a clean slate. Re-start with a new plan. A plan called “Enjoy life”. Rules: No stress. No regrets. Above all else, you MUST indulge in and spread happiness wherever you go. Could you imagine? 

And I don’t mean the government gets together and does this, I mean a huge world meeting. Every person as an equal. No one is higher than anyone, no one better or richer than anyone. We just party together. Although, obviously there would be punishment for any bad behavior. However, this will never happen. But maybe we could get kind of close? Lets just all say “It’s fuck this shit o’clock” and do what we want. Even if we do it on a tight budget or some people disagree with it. 

Maybe I’m just rambling nonsense because I’m so terribly tired. This is usually why I don’t get too far into things because I always come out ranting like a crazy hippie. But I stand by my idea. Maybe it’s not for everyone seeing as how it lacks quite a bit of structure, but I want to apply it to my life. At least in moderation. Because I can’t stand living the way I am. It’s such a waste.

Lightening the somber tone.

My mood is less somber today. Which I am very relieved about. I’m not exactly in a great, “happy” mood, but I’m not where I was yesterday. Sleep seemed to be even more difficult last night, but with the help of a “natural” sleep aid, I was able to fall asleep. Of course I woke up multiple times in the night, tossed and turned. But, my alarm went off right on time this morning, “Mommy!”. 

So, I’m sitting with my coffee and toast, watching a sermon on anger by Joyce Meyer. That’s something I REALLY need. Everything that was so heavy on me yesterday, is a little lighter today. Not because it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did yesterday, or because I’m “over it”, But because I don’t feel like giving in to being a sad, gloomy person. Well, I guess I still seem that way in the eyes of others, because I’m still wanting to be alone and detached from everyone, but on the inside I’m not as bad. Which, for me, is what counts. 

In my heart I know I’ll probably be struggling with these mood/personality disorders for my entire life, just like I have been for the past…oh, at least 15 years. But I know as I grow and learn, I can adapt and learn to control them. I’m never going to be a Bubbly Betty, but I don’t have to constantly be a Debbie Downer either. I can’t force myself to be a happy upbeat person who never suffers from mood swings and depression, but I can fight it as best of abilities. And not for the sake of others, not to pretend to be in a good, jolly mood for everyone else, but for myself to be stronger than what my mind tells me I am. 

After everything I’ve been through in my life (which is a lot of no good stuff), I’m perfectly able to not fall victim to a couple mood disorders. Even if I do need Prozac.