The evil side of Spring.

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. But one thing I cannot stand: allergies.

I’ve had hay fever for as long as I can remember. I can remember being a little girl, playing in summer, and having the worst time possible. I was constantly sneezing. Had a terribly itchy, runny nose, and itchy, watery eyes. I would rub my eyes to ease the itch but it would only make it worse. My eyes would turn pink and puff up until I could hardly see. Once, I even got hives all over my entire body. While everyone would be playing and having fun, I’d be hiding in a corner, looking like a monster. The only thing I could take back then was Benadryl. It helped my symptoms, but also knocked me out. I would take it so I could actually play with my friends, but then I’d be too tired to play with them. So Spring, Summer and early Autumn, really sucked for me.

Now that I’m older, I can take the non-drowsy medications. But seeing as how they’re very expensive, I have to get the knock-off brand. Which I don’t mind as long as it actually works. My allergies vary by day. Last year they weren’t too bad, but this year…I can tell I’m going to have problems. Once Spring started, so did my allergy symptoms. For the past few weeks, I wake up with an itchy nose and sneezing. Luckily, I have medication to take, but it hasn’t been working as well as I hoped. And if my allergies get any worse, I might need to find a different brand.

Allergies really know how to rain on someone’s parade. This time of the year you want to be outside, enjoying the beautiful flowers popping up and the warm sun that’s coming out of hiding. You don’t want to be sneezing every time you look up.

And even worse…I think Rayne might have hay fever, too. I’ve noticed she’s been starting to sneeze after playing outside or with the dogs or cats. Her’s aren’t very bad. It seems it’s just sneezing so far. But I really hope it never gets any worse than that. I know how tough it is to have such terrible allergies and I would never wish it on anyone, especially a little child who just wants to have fun.

I’m hoping this medication can hold it down, and that Rayne’s allergies don’t get any worse. Wish us luck!

Rayne’s make-up job and Momsomnia.

This is what I walked into today. Rayne holding an old cover stick.

Which she got on both her cheeks and in her ear.

She was pretty proud of herself.

I wasn’t really upset, so I gave her a piggy back ride and called it good.

 

Today was uneventful, yet exhausting. Probably because of lack of sleep from last night. Rayne managed to get up at her usual 7:30am, and played all day, only stopping for a 1 1/2 to 2 hour nap. Her nap wasn’t late like yesterday, so I’m guessing she wont be up until 1am again tonight. At least I’m hoping not. 

It’s strange to think before I had Rayne I would go days without sleep. I’d pull all-nighters all the time, no problem at all. Now, when I’m up past 9pm I know I’m going to regret it. I wouldn’t mind so much that I can no longer do those things, if I could actually get some decent sleep.

It’s about 10pm now. I just looked to the end of my bed to find Rayne, crashed out on her princess couch. YES! This means I have a chance at some sleep tonight. Goodnight fellow bloggers! *Wish me luck*

What ifs and new hope.

After my much needed “me” time last night, I’m just glad to have my girl home.

She only leaves once a week for no more than 18-20 hours. And most of that time, we’re both sleeping anyways. I enjoy having time to myself. Moms need time to reflect and recharge. And sleep. It’s so nice being able to relax one night a week, and not be distracted. 

But once I wake up in the morning, I don’t really know what to do with myself. I wander around, pacing, cleaning. I feel lost without her around making messes, throwing fits, and making everyone laugh. Every time she leaves, I realize how pointless my life is without her. There would be no point for my life if Rayne was not here.

Of course if I never had Rayne I would’ve followed my dreams, put all my efforts into achieving my goals. And tired to do everything I’ve always wanted to do. But that didn’t happen. I have Rayne. I’m just about 22, I’m a single mom, I’m unemployed, I’m lost, I’m confused about myself and my life, my future has never been more unclear. But if (God forbid) something ever happened to take Rayne out of my life, I would be destroyed. I would have no purpose or meaning. I can confidently say I would either die of heartache or kill myself. Which ever came first. Rayne is everything to me. 

Yes, I sometimes dwell on the past and think, “what if I was able to do everything I had wanted?“, “where would I be?“, “How much would I have accomplished by now?“.

But then I look down to the little head resting on my legs. I run my fingers through her tangled hair, and feel a sigh of comfort escape her tiny lungs. Her eyes stay glued to the colorful cartoons, naming shapes, on the television. And in that moment, I’ve never felt happier. I know there are a lot of hopes and dreams that have been thrown away or put on hold. But this moment is so worth it. This moment gives me hope that someday, every hope and dream I ever had, will be revived and reached. But instead of me reaching them, it’ll be us, together.
 

 

Is today over yet?

Today has not been going my way. It’s been nothing but irritating. And this is why:

Today after getting Rayne dressed, I realized her hair was really greasy. Come to find out she had put butter in it. So I grabbed a hair tie to put it up before we left.

She hates having her hair up. As long as you act like nothing happened, she’ll sometimes forget about it, but once you mention the word “hair”, she reaches up and pulls out anything occupying her locks. She tried this a few times, leaving her hair still up, but hairs sticking out everywhere. I wasn’t in the mood to fix it, so she went to the store with messy hair. Then she threw a fit throughout the store, which she NEVER does usually. She didn’t want to sit in the seat part of the cart so I put her in the back, that didn’t seem to be good enough either. She was throwing a fit for no reason, so I just told her to suck it up. What else can you do? They wont listen to reason, they just wanna cry.

So, we’re in this isle and my mom and I are figuring which can of coffee to get that will save us money (this week is extremely tight), and this younger man comes up behind her. Neither of us realized she was in his way, but he politely said “Excuse me“, and she apologized and moved. But then I hear an older man reach over to the young man saying, “Women can handle themselves on the highway, but in here they don’t know what they’re doing”. The fact that this man was well into is late 70s if not 80s, did not stop me from initially wanting to rip into him with my sharpened feminist tongue. But I looked over to my mother and she didn’t seem to have heard, or cared what the man said. I was angry. Then I looked back at the old man sporting his veteran hat and a progressing hunch in his back, and thought to myself, “This man is clearly from a time where being a chauvinistic ass is acceptable and he’s probably paying for it seeing as how he’s grocery shopping alone, without a woman by his side”. Now, I don’t know this man or his life, but if there’s one thing I cannot stand, it’s chauvinistic men. Honestly, if this man was younger I probably wouldn’t have held my tongue. But I decided to not let another old person with a warped view on things rile me up.

So, we get home with our very small amount of groceries, and Rayne decides to continue with the “I’m not going to listen to you today” attitude. She pulls away from my hands and takes herself over to a lawn chair, and plops down in it. At this point I really don’t feel like going through this nonsense, so I pick up the lawn chair, bring it into the house, and set it in the living room. HA! 

I make and serve Rayne’s lunch to her, then go back to the kitchen to whip something up for the rest of us. Now, Rayne has been candy crazy lately. With Easter candy all over the place, it’s never enough. Last night she was up past 11pm! So as I’m in the kitchen, my mother comes in with half of a chocolate bunny. I noticed it on the dining room table this morning, but I had picked it up so Rayne wouldn’t get it. I told her NO MORE CANDY!

Hmmm…I wonder who’s little teeth marks these are.

I don’t know how she gets a hold of these things. I think she has a hiding spot. 

Anyway, I haven’t had nearly enough sleep, coffee or food. Therefore, my mood is not at it’s best and my patience is running dangerously low. Tonight Rayne will be going to stay the night with her grandmother. Hopefully that means I’ll get some better sleep tonight and tomorrow wont be so rough. 

Second guessing my parenting, then deciding “who cares?”.

This morning Rayne gave me an amazing gift, that I REALLY needed. She slept in.

Yes, sometimes Rayne will sleep in a half hour or so, giving me time to wake up. But this morning she slept in for 2 whole hours. I had time to wake up, get coffee, and blog. I was very happy about this. Plus, the sun was shining, so the whole situation put me in a great mood. She woke up, rubbing her tired eyes. I chipperingly say “Good morning, DooDoo Buns!”. I don’t know why I called her DooDoo Buns. That’s what we agreed to name her new stuffed bunny. Anyways…She wasn’t ready for a good mood in her face. And I understand completely. I’ve never been a morning person. So I shut up and let her sit on her princess couch and watch her shows until she woke up a bit more.

Later in the day I had to go into town to get a few things. While I was in the store I saw a princess patio set. A table with an umbrella and two chairs. It would match her couch and tent, AND would go great next to her playhouse. Plus….It was on sale. I had to get it.

I love surprising her with things I know she’ll love. It’s just a great feeling seeing her face so happy. But then I thought to myself “Am I subconsciously rewarding her for sleeping in?” I don’t think I was, because it’s not like I was actively looking for something to get her. I just happened to walk into the isle it was in and notice how perfect it was for her and that it was only on sale for a few more days!

Sometimes I accuse myself of spoiling her. But then I justify it by saying “I don’t give her whatever she wants. In fact I’m usually the bad guy. But I do like surprising her with gifts.” Is that still spoiling? I hate that I even think about such things. Can’t I just give my daughter something nice without have a tiny feeling of being wrong for doing so? Honestly, I know it stems from the judgement of others. I suppose I worry someone will sneer my mothering skills because I seem to spoil my child. I know I don’t spoil her. I even get on my family members for spoiling her so often.

So why am I always second guessing myself? I’M her mother. I know how I want to parent my child and I have a clear view of right and wrong. But if I feel like spoiling my child, WHO CARES? It’s not anyone else’s business what I choose to gift my child with. And I’ve never been the kind of person to care what people think of me or do things to please other people. That’s why I don’t have many friends! So why am I always walking on egg shells with my parenting? Why do I get offended so easily by an ignorant comment by someone who’s no better at it than I? Why do I over analyze every move I make as a mother, wondering if I’m doing this right, or if I’ve already screwed her up for life?

And why has buying a princess patio set (on sale) brought this all to the surface?

Writing has always been therapeutic for me, so this is helping already. But I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way at least sometimes. Hopefully someone who has the same problem will read this and maybe feel better about themselves and their parenting.

Because at the end of the day, as long as we love our children, teach them right and wrong, and how to be a good person, we’re doing just fine.

Creepy squishy zombie head.

This is Rayne’s favorite toy recently. It’s just a creepy squishy zombie head. She likes to kiss it, and smoosh it up against her face. Sometimes, when I make a growling sound while chasing her with it, she’ll get creeped out. But usually she just loves it. Out of all her hundreds of toys, stuffed animals, books, etc. This is the one that stands out the most. I’m sure she’ll lose interest soon, but I find it sort of cute that she’s been having such a close friendship with this creepy squishy zombie head.

She’s weird in a normal way.

I’m pretty sure most parents acknowledge the strange things that their toddlers like to do. In fact, if a toddler isn’t doing weird things, I’d say that is strange. Rayne is full of odd behavior. I witness it everyday.

For example: She is always wanting to shut herself in the cupboard under the bathroom sink. I’m not sure what she does under there, but there’s a lot of talking to herself.

Some of the things she does are definitely not safe. I actually think she looks for dangerous things to do on purpose. Whether it be jumping of tables and chairs, or standing in window sills like in the above photo.

She’s also doing a bunch of crazy things with her body. Like trying to stretch her legs as far as possible, making farting sounds while squatting, and making a clicking sound with her tongue.

I think she’s weird in a normal way. Well, normal for a toddler. And even when she’s being crazy, she causes a lot of laughs, so no one really minds. I’d go as far as saying we all love her crazy antics. It wouldn’t be the same without ’em.

Kazoo anyone?

Rayne has always been a HUGE fan of anything musical. She turns everything into an instrument, and tapping on a table will make her dance. Yesterday I picked her up a little Kazoo. She’s never had a Kazoo before. She has a Recorder, Drum, Maracas, Harmonica, Tambourine, etc. But this is her first time with a Kazoo. 

I remember being little and not being able to figure it out. I would blow into it, and nothing would come out! It would frustrate me that everyone else could do it, but I was too embarrassed to ask how, so I’d give up. So, of course I had to try it out first. I finally know how to work a Kazoo! I’m not going to start up a Kazoo band or anything, but I can at least get a sound out of it. When I gave it to Rayne, she was having the same problems I had when I was little. She just couldn’t get it to make noise. So I showed her how to do it, now she loves it! I knew she would. 

Who knows, maybe she’ll be a musician when she grows up. But she has a lot of interests and talents, possibilities are endless with this girl! She could be an astronaut for all I know! Or an astronaut musician! I guess I’ll have to wait and find out. 

The love of my life from day one & Toddler dorm room.

In August of this year, Rayne will be 2 years old. In the past 6 months, she has become a whole new child.

August 23rd 2010, I went into labor. I was 38 weeks pregnant. I started having contractions around noon. They were getting more often throughout the day. I was getting so nervous. One of my closest friends came over to see me and was super excited that that could potentially be “the day”. As my contractions were getting more intense, and closer together, I got more nervous. I kept saying “5 more minutes”. Then my contractions were 5 minutes apart, so everyone declared it was time to go. I wasn’t feeling a lot of pain. Most of my contractions were just discomfort and pressure. But they were consistent. We got to Portland Adventist at 7pm. I walked into labor&delivery and told them my contractions were 5 minutes apart, they took me into my room. Which, funny enough happened to be the same room another friend of mine had given birth to her son a few years prior. I had to take a UTI test, then they got me hooked up to all sorts of things. I was scared. I remember them asking me questions, and before I knew it my contractions started getting really painful.

The nurses concluded that I had a terrible UTI and that was the cause of my contractions, not labor. So they hooked me up to some sort of drip to help and that would “for sure” stop the contractions. I disagreed, because I had never had any symptoms or signs of a UTI, and I just knew I was really in labor. But I went with it.

Soon my contractions were so painful I could hardly breathe. To top it all off, the belt that measures contractions, wasn’t working. It wasn’t keeping track of them or measuring them. So the nurses didn’t know how much pain I was actually in. They said I couldn’t have an epidural until I was 4cm dilated. I was 1 1/2cm. My contractions were very close together and extremely painful. I was completely out of it.

The nurse came in and took my temperature, I had a fever. She also brought it to my attention that Rayne hadn’t been moving as much as they would like, but her heart rate was rather high. They worried that she had contracted my UTI and fever. At that point I started to cry. I was in so much pain and so worried about my little girl. The nurse said I still couldn’t have an epidural but she could give me something else to help. I remember asking, “Will it take this pain away?”. She said, “No, but it’ll make it so you don’t care anymore”. I agreed to it. She put it into my IV. In a matter of maybe 2 minutes, I felt it. I could feel the pressure and pain, but I couldn’t complain about it. I was seriously doped up on I don’t even know what. I lost all sense of time. I didn’t know what was going on, who was in the room, or what anyone was doing or talking about. I remember them bringing in an ultrasound tech to check on Rayne. They wanted to make sure she was okay, and see whether or not they needed to do a c-section. I laid there motionless. Totally high. I heard a phone ringing..and ringing and ringing. The room was all dark. I didn’t know who was in the room besides the nurse and Ultrasound tech. But I started mumbling for them to “shut that phone up”. I can’t remember much after that until the nurse came in to check my progress. I was finally 4cm dilated. She called the anaesthesiologist and he was there rather quickly from what I remember. I remember him trying to explain everything to me. I wasn’t listening but said “okay”. I laid on my left side, hunched around my belly. I wasn’t allowed to move at all. This made it more difficult when the contractions hit. They were very close together. I think 1 minute apart, at most. I held onto the side bar of the bed and tried my best to focus on whatever I could find, and breathe. It took him longer than expected. As I was laying on my side, I felt a pop…then my bed filled up with wetness. “Uhh…My water just broke”, I said nonchalantly. It literally felt like a water balloon had popped inside my uterus. After he set up my epidural, which had been at least a half hour, They rolled me over. She checked my progress again, 8cm. From 4cm to 8cm within and hour. Finally I was getting somewhere. And now I could relax without pain. They shut off the light and let my try to nap until push time. I remember drifting in and out of light sleep. I was feeling pressure that was new. It was time. I was nervous. But really excited. I called the nurse and told her. She checked…yep..her head was right there.

She called my doctor and told her to hurry. I had my mom on one side of me, and Rayne’s father on the other. I was pain free and fully coherent. She said it was time for a couple practice pushes. I did a couple…then she told me to stop because she was about to come out and we had to wait for the doctor. I started laughing….that didn’t help the situation. She began to laugh, too, and told me I was about to laugh her out. In my opinion, that would be a great way to enter the world! But we had to wait, she said. Soon the doctor came and had me push. It was about 5-10 minutes before she was laying on my belly crying. 3:10 am, August 24th 2010. They said the same thing to me as the doctors and nurses said to my mother, “You’re made for having kids!”, I didn’t know how to take that.

I looked at her and couldn’t help but have the biggest smile possible across my face. I looked up at her father, we both had tears in our eyes, but we didn’t cry. I looked down at her and said, “Hey”. She stopped crying and calmed down. He cut her cord, then they took her and set her on a table to take measurements and weigh her. 6 lbs. 5.9oz. and 19 inches long. They didn’t tell me until afterwords, but she was born double corded. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck twice. But she was completely fine, and totally healthy.

My little girl was RIGHT THERE. In front of me. This whole time you’re pregnant, expecting a baby, seeing ultrasounds and feeling her move around, but it never really sinks in or seems real. Now she was real. They handed her to me and I started to feed her. The smile couldn’t leave my face.

After a sleepless night, there were many people coming in to see us. People trying to sell us stuff and take our photos. Everyone that came in said I had an amazing glow. I felt it.

Now, March 12th 2012, My daughter is half way to 2 years old and growing up before my eyes. She’s so independent and sassy. She’s a “big girl” now. Using the grown up toilet, Sleeping in a toddler bed, and as of today has no more baby toys, but has a pull-out princess couch and princess tent. It’s like a dorm for a toddler. She walks around doing what she pleases. She likes to do things on her own terms. She doesn’t like being told what to do, or forced to do anything. It has to be when she wants to do it and how she wants to do it. She is a mini me. Every personality trait in her, I know is from me. Everything that drives me nuts about her and at the same time makes me so proud of her, is everything in myself that makes me feel the same.

I am so proud of her already. I know she’ll continue to blow my mind with how blessed I am to be her mother.

Here are some pictures from today when Rayne walked into her newly upgraded bedroom/hangout.

 And this is what she decided to do with the activity space. : /