Lumen’s Birth Story.

If you’ve been reading my posts, follow my Instagram, or are my Facebook friend, you know I’ve been excited and impatient about my second daughter being born. The end of my pregnancy, I was just TOO excited. I couldn’t wait to hold her. But I thought I’d be pregnant for longer than I was.

38 weeks!

38 weeks!

Maybe baby girl picked up on my impatience, or maybe she was just impatient herself. At 38 weeks pregnant exactly, I surprisingly went into labor. That day I was feeling a little weird at first. I decided to take a walk, drink a couple glasses of raspberry leaf tea, and help with our horses, hoping I’d get things moving. I really didn’t expect much to happen because, even though I had noticed my belly hanging much lower and the pressure was getting very annoying, I didn’t have any sign that anything was happening. *TMI ahead* I hadn’t lost my plug. I wasn’t dilated when I was checked at 36 weeks, I didn’t even have any softening. I thought this baby was going to make me wait forever.

That night, while dishing up my plate for dinner to be exact, I experienced a strong contraction, that was in my lower stomach. I assumed it was a mixture of Braxton Hicks and stretching. I went about my night normally. I lay in bed watching Walking Dead, chillin’. I had a few more irregular contractions. No biggie, I had been having practice contractions from 14 weeks. I didn’t think anything of it. Later that night I started getting more and decided to time them. They were 20 minutes apart, 15, 12, back to 20, then 45, then a whole hour went by without one. I tried taking a shower to see if they would go away. I still had them, but they felt a lot better in the water. After I got out I was convinced this wasn’t the real deal because they were so irregular. I stayed in bed listening to my Hypnobirthing tracks, breathing through these “practice contractions” that happened to be getting stronger. I managed to fall asleep for an hour, then woke back up around 2 something am with more contractions, still irregular, but strong. I had a couple that were 20 minutes apart, then jumped to 10 minutes apart. I had only a couple that were 10 mintutes apart, but the strength grew. At one point I tried getting on my hands and knees and swaying my hips. But it just felt worse, and I couldn’t get up until it was over. At that point I decided maybe I should wake my mom, and just let her know what’s been going on. Real or not, she should just be aware. So I woke her and assured her she didn’t have to jump up and rush to the hospital or anything. However, right when I woke her up (3am), my contractions went from a couple at 10 minutes apart, straight to 2-3 minutes apart, strong and suddenly regular.

I stayed calm, did my breathing. I wasn’t afraid. In fact, I don’t know if it had even hit me at that point that I really was in labor. I even did a little bit of make up before leaving. At 3:30 am we headed to the hospital. The whole ride was not easy. We drive a large Ford, diesel, with bad breaks and barrings, which causes the truck to bounce and shake way more than it should. A rough ride indeed. I was having regular very strong contractions, with slight pressure, the whole way there. I cannot recall how long it actually took to get there. But I’m sure we made it there around 4 am. I walked through the doors with my mom, and stopped to hold the wall while I swayed to a contraction. A male nurse with a pretty sweet beard came out and helped me into a wheelchair. I was hoping to walk, but looking back, it would have taken forever to get there if I were walking. We made it to labor and delivery and I got into a room quickly. I didn’t want to be hooked up to everything the whole time, and the nurse assured me it would only be 20 minutes (liar). I changed into the robe, and climbed into the bed and was hooked up to the monitor. Also, I had tested positive for the Group B Strep, so I had to get an IV for antibiotics. My contractions continued, stronger. I was informed my doctor wasn’t on call and couldn’t come in. I was disappointed because I didn’t want to have to explain or defend my birth plan to someone new. Luckily, the wonderful doctor who was there, kindly read my birth plan sheet, nodded, and seemed pleased.The nurse wanted to check me to see how far along I was. Now listen ladies, if you’re going to have someone check your cervix while you are having strong contractions every 2 minutes, make sure they don’t have the worlds shortest fingers. I swear she was purposely digging around in there just to torture me. Anyways, I was 4 cm. 4 cm! I expected to be much farther by then. At that point, I admit, I said, “I don’t know if I can do this naturally thing if this is what it’s like at only 4 cm”. But, I swallowed my bitchassness, and declined the pain medication. 5 minutes later I was checked again because I was having more pressure. 7 cm. In 5 minutes I went from 4 to 7 cm. It was all going so fast. I remember this was the point where the contractions got to their worst. I stayed in my zone, and didn’t let myself tense up. I did start vocalizing a little, because for me, it helped with the pain. Not to mention my body started shaking uncontrollably. I remember holding my right hand up for some reason. The nurse held it. I never squeezed her hand or put any pressure on it at all. I kept as relaxed as I could manage. Suddenly, with every contraction my body was pushing itself. Everyone always says, “Once your body is ready to push, there’s no stopping it”. SO TRUE. I never purposely pushed throughout my labor. I let my body do whatever it wanted to do all on it’s own. The doctor kept speaking in hypnobirthing terms, which made me much more comfortable because it told me she had experience with this kind of birth and approved. She just sat and waited for my cues, encouraging me with birth affirmations I had been listening to for the past weeks to prepare for this moment. I was so grateful she was there. At that point, I held up my hand and cued the doctor over because something was happening. She checked and said, “Baby is right there”. I knew it. My step dad exited the room, and my mom joined me by my right side. I first tried the side laying position while my body pushed my baby down. It wasn’t very comfortable for me, and the awesome doctor (I’ll be referring to her as the awesome doctor from now on), read my mind and asked to put the squat bar on. It was quickly assembled and they helped me up. My body felt weak and shaking. I could hardly hold myself up. I managed to get my arms around the bar, holding my weight. I think I was on my left knee, while I rigged my right leg up on the side of the bar, holding it in place so it would stay out of the way. I loved that I wasn’t being told what to do. I did what my body wanted to do and what I felt I needed to. That was when shit got real. Every contraction, my baby was moving down and I was vocalizing. It felt like I was being loud, but my mom said I really wasn’t loud at all. I did remain calm at all times. I wasn’t afraid. There was only 4 or 5 pushes until the ring of fire graced me with it’s presence. The awesome doctor asked if I’d like to feel her head. I wanted to but replied with, “I can’t let go”. I was trying very hard to hold my body up. My eyes were closed the whole time. Within seconds I was feeling my baby coming out into the world, and before I knew it I was swooping her up into my arms with everyone telling me to be careful of the cord. I lay back with my just born baby on my bare chest, and kept telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. I was amazed. Amazed that I had really just done that.

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October 21st, at 5:53 am, Lumen Jane was welcomed into the world.

First latch!

First latch!

She laid on my chest, and naturally began to breastfeed when she was ready. Her father wasn’t able to make it to the birth, so I was lucky enough to cut her umbilical cord after it was finished pulsating. When she finished eating her first meal, she was weighed and bathed. A dainty 5 lbs 14 oz. And 19 1/2 inches long.

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Because it happened so fast, I didn’t get all the antibiotics that I was suppose to receive before she came. So, I had to stay two nights. I really didn’t want to be trapped at the hospital, but the nurses were so kind, helpful and respectful, it wasn’t that bad.

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After I gave birth, the awesome doctor held my hand and told me I was amazing. She paid me what was probably the best compliment I had ever received. “Most girls your age don’t have their shit together to have a hypnobirth”. Then continued to call me a “dream patient”. As you can imagine, I was over the moon. 

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I was blessed with an awesome birth, and awesome people around me.

Basking In My Non-Perfect-Parentness.

It’s no secret that “perfect” parents do not exist. 

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In the beginning I think we all feel the need to be “perfect“. We have this vision of the kind of parent we want to be, and we’ll be so much better/cooler than other parents who can’t seem to get it right. We have all the answers. Then we actually have a kid and, oh shit, we don’t have any answers at all. We’re fumbling around like blind rats trying to juggle while walking a tight rope. Suddenly, we suck. The realization hits. This shit is HARD.

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I can openly admit to going through the “I have the answers” phase. I know I have made other parents feel bad, even if I really didn’t mean to. I was just all stuck up and thought I knew better than them and that’s why their kids were cray. I quickly grew out of that phase after the first year with my daughter. I think most parents go through a sort of transition with their first child. At some point we realize we aren’t perfect, nor will we ever be. And we loosen up, let go of things that really don’t matter so we can have some sort of sanity, and so we don’t destroy our children. 

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Today I am proud to say I AM NOT A PERFECT PARENT BY ANY MEANS. I know that being perfect in any aspect of life is impossible. But that doesn’t stop me from having mom guilt, judging myself, judging other parents, and feeling like shit when other parents on their high horses make stupid comments that I know are ridiculous, but still bug me anyways.

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Okay, so, there’s this mom whom I follow on Instagram. I typically like following her, but today she posted something that really got under my skin. She started off with how she’s not a perfect parent. I was like, “Cool, me neither. Love seeing parents embrace their non-perfectness.” Then I read on to her reasons for not being a perfect parent….like, letting her daughter eat junk food once a month, or have some juice when they go out to eat on occasions, watch the baby channel twice a day even though “it’s tv, and not good“, or the fact that her daughter has had chips, cookies and has even tasted ice cream! *GASP* 

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Seriously? It’s like that really skinny friend who is always whining about being fat, knowing you’re bigger than she is but continues to talk about it in front of you. SHUT. UP.

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I’m not saying it was her intention to offend me or any other parent. But she did. If she thinks those things make her far from perfect, what would she think about my parenting? I honestly felt that if I mentioned the things that make me a non-perfect parent, she would judge me hardcore. If those tiny little things make her not perfect, I must be a train wreck of a parent!

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If she really is that strict, good for her, if that’s how she chooses to parent. But, in all honesty, when I hear parents talk about little things like that I feel like they aren’t being honest, and are actually looking for praise. You know, for someone to say, “Oh, if that’s all you do wrong then you’re an amazing parent!” Like I said, if she really is that strict, good for her. Maybe I’m just getting offended because of my own insecurities. 

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You wanna know what makes me a non-perfect parent? (I can’t fit everything, but here’s a few):

  1. Rayne watches TV everyday. Anything from educational shows, not so educational shows, Family Guy *GASP*, American Dad *DOUBLE GASP*, and you know what? She’s watched Dexter with me. Yeah, that’s right, she’s watched Dexter. Get over it.
  2. She HATES veggies and is very picky about fruit. I would LOVE to feed her only healthy foods, but she’s picky and will have none of it. She eats whatever we eat. Which is anything from eggs and bacon, pasta, pizza, tacos, etc. I don’t typically eat or buy fast food, but, yeah, sometimes she has a freakin’ Happy Meal. 
  3. She drinks chocolate milk almost everyday. I don’t like giving her juice because she has had tummy problems with it in the past, and for the health of her teeth, but she is allowed to have Tummy Yummies (a juice with less sugar, plus vitamins).
  4. Speaking of teeth, she’s had two cavities already. Yep, I still feel awful about it. But what are you gonna do? She has a filling, and might have to get another for the second cavity. Yes, I try to make sure we brush her teeth, but that shits hard, and sometimes it doesn’t get done right due to her crying and kicking me away. 
  5. She doesn’t have a bath EVERYDAY. Sometimes, especially being almost 9 months pregnant, I’m too tired to get her in the sink or fight with her about a bath/shower. It’s not like I let her grow mold or walk around stinking. But sometimes I just don’t give an eff if she goes to bed with dirty hands, hair and feet. There’s always tomorrow. 
  6. Sometimes I raise my voice, or give a swat on her butt if it comes to that. Everyone has different opinions on discipline. Some people are very against spanking and whatnot. If you can discipline your child without ever losing your shit, that’s great. But I don’t see anything wrong with a little butt swat or a firm voice when it’s needed. You don’t know how sassy my kid gets or how difficult she can be sometimes. So I discipline how I see fit for our little family. And honestly, I hardly ever use a spanking. But I have no problem using it. I grew up with very harsh punishments. And I know I would never use any of them on my children. I never even feel tempted to. So when people say spanking your kid makes them think hitting you or someone else is okay, you’re wrong. I was beaten with a belt, hanger, phone cord, etc. and never once hit my parents or anyone else. And that isn’t counting the abuse I endured. I can honestly say I have never even thought of using anything close to that on my child. 
  7. I don’t care if she eats dirt. God made dirt, dirt don’t hurt. The end.
  8. She hardly ever brushes her hair. I do not brush my hair. I have thick wavy hair that only frizzes when I attempt to put a brush through it. So, I don’t think I should be able to tell her she has to use a brush either. It’s nice to get it combed out, but it really doesn’t seem important to me if her hair is out of place.
  9. I don’t care about what clothes she wears. I usually let Rayne pick out her own clothes, if she chooses to wear clothes at all. Obviously, if we’re going out of the house she needs clothes. But if we’re staying in, I don’t care if she stays in jammies all day or runs around in her underwear. And when she does wear clothes, they usually don’t match. Who really cares? Since when is a child’s outfit important? I think letting her wear what she wants and choosing what she likes gives her independence, and lets her express herself how she chooses.
  10. I don’t have a bedtime for Rayne. Yep, that’s right. I don’t make her go to bed at any certain time. If she’s up till 11pm, oh well. Usually I will tell her she’s gotta start calming down and getting in bedtime mode, but I never force her to go to bed at a certain time. BFD

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These are only 10 reasons off the top of my head that make me SO NOT PERFECT. I’m sure there’s a lot more though. My point is, I’m willing to admit these things, and I can’t say that I actually feel bad about any of them. My child is never in harms way, she is healthy, smart, kind, and constantly impressing me with how quickly she learns. I don’t have any concerns about her development. So what she watches TV? So what she doesn’t eat broccoli? So what she’s usually dirty, has messy hair and stays up late? SO EFFING WHAT?! She’s my daughter, and she’s wonderful, despite all these terrible things I expose her to. 

Good News Alert!

If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know I’ve been struggling with the fear of possibly having pregnancy Cholestasis. I’ve been going in weekly for NSTs (non-stress tests). When my doctor responded to my itchy hands and feet with these NSTs and a blood test, assuming it was Cholestasis, my heart broke. I had been having a perfectly normal pregnancy, everything going well, until that appointment and that stupid annoying itching. Suddenly we had to monitor my baby and possibly discuss induction depending on my bile levels, which would really cut into my hopes for a very natural birth. Not to mention the stress of never knowing if baby was doing okay from one minute to the next. Thank God, so far, baby has passed all the NSTs with flying colors, and my first blood test showed negative for Cholestasis. However, my doctor did say that it usually takes awhile before showing in a blood test.

As time has gone on, the stress has eased a bit. And the itching has just gotten down right confusing. With Cholestasis, the most common symptom is intense itching, usually on the hands and feet. My itching has been really on and off. Luckily, it has been mild-moderate when I do have it, but I can go long periods of time without itching at all. Even having mild itching, it is terrible. For most of last week I would go to bed at night, only to wake up an hour later itching, then be up all night! It was exhausting. When the weekend came on, my itching just stopped. It was like a miracle from God. Seriously, I was like, “THANK YOU,GOD!!” 

So, today I mentioned to my doctor how on and off my itching is and that when I do have it, it’s not nearly as bad as it has been at times. My doctor was glad to hear it, because according to her, in most Cholestasis cases, the itching only gets worse and worse. And doesn’t really become harmful to baby until it is really bad itching. Since mine isn’t bad and sometimes not even there, she’s not concerned about it harming baby, and even thinks it might not even be Cholestasis! HELLO! GREAT NEWS! She even wants to postpone the blood test she wanted to do, because she really don’t think it would show anything. 

PHEW!

So, as of now, we’re keeping an eye on the itching, still doing NSTs every week just to be extra safe, and everything else looks great! I was so relieved to have this conversation with her today. I feel like I can finally relax and my natural hypnobirth is STILL ON! YAY! I definitely feel that my prayers have been answered, and have no fear that anything will rear it’s head to harm baby or myself. And if it does, I’m already 34+ weeks, so there isn’t much more time left in this pregnancy.

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Totally chillaxing with some hot cocoa and a danish. I deserve it after all the stress I’ve been through.

 

 

Oh, AND, when I got home, my package of BumGenius cloth diapers had arrived! Double yay! 

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Seriously, guys. So happy.

Will You Forgive Me, Blog?

After ditching this blog because of its slow traffic (my own fault), I realize now it was a mistake. Why start over with a new blog but the same issues? Long story short, I created a blog, that did nothing but suffer all thanks to me. Poor blog. R.I.P PunkRockMommySeekingJesus.

However, with the sadness of losing another blog to the awful realization of being..dun dun dun..unpopular, I have decided to make my way back to my original blog. The one created just to say what I want to say. No special agenda, no trying to be cool like other mom blogs, it was just me. And at this point, I feel much better just being me again. Hey, isn’t that the way to go anyways?

So, without any further ado, I’m back.

Expect to see me blogging away again at MomWomanHuman@wordpress.com

The final decision.

After throwing blog names back and forth, trying to find the perfect one for my new mom blog I’m planning on creating and hoping will become a profession, I’ve stumbled upon a thought that wouldn’t go away. At first I thought, “Nah, not everyone would be into that.” But it kept nagging at me as if I had no other choice. Then I gave that little thought some attention and realized it was a great idea, not because everyone will like it, but because it’s important to me and I would love to go in that direction.

My new blog will be a Christian mom blog. Still the same idea (Mom discussions, Ideas, Advice, Questions, etc.) but with Christian beliefs thrown into the mix. Not that I need to give an explanation for my decisions, but I find that when I explain my decisions, it helps people understand my point of view and finds a relative ground. So, this is why I’m making a Christian mom blog:

  1. Being a Christian Is very important to me, especially as a mother.
  2. My Christian beliefs have gotten me through my entire motherhood, good times, bad times, depression, stress, feeling helpless, etc.
  3. It’d be awesome to uplift other mothers with not only advice, and friendship, but also the word of God.

I know this is the right direction for me to go in because I feel no desire to do just a regular mom blog. I’m going full force with this Christian mom blog idea and I’m feeling VERY positive. I know not everyone will agree with this, because not everyone is pro Jesus, but everyone, no matter what you believe, is welcome to read and enjoy my mom blog.

I hope you will all still read and follow my soon-to-come mom blog and find in it a welcoming, informative, and seriously awesome mom circle. 🙂

My final decision on a career path and how I need all of your help.

As most of my readers know, I’ve been in quite the depressing struggle of trying to find my career path. I’ve always been the ‘lost‘ kind of girl. Never really having a ‘place‘ or clear direction. As I plunged into my 20s with a baby on my hip and no idea as to how I’d be making a living, the pressure on my shoulders has been nothing short of the equivalent of a howler monkey swinging and jumping around on my back, alerting everyone (or so it seemed) of my failures and slow go at the adult life I’m suppose to have. Shame has been the ever looming dark cloud above my head. As a 22 (almost 23) year old mom with no job and no plans, life has been embarrassing and shameful. I know, I know….Being a mom is not an easy job. I love being a mom more than anything. But as a child I suppose certain members of our family ingrained in my brain the importance of a career and “making something of yourself”. When all I had to show for my 20-something years is a toddler and contributing to the household groceries, I felt like the family failure. Like it was in everyone’s mind when they looked at me. I’ve been constantly dreading any family interactions and/or parties/get-togethers purely because I feared someone would bring up the God awful question…”So what are you doing these days?“, followed by the crumbling of my spirit and the stuttering trying to find something interesting and socially acceptable to say. Needless to say, my confidence in my womanhood has been particularly low.

Over time I’ve had ideas of the direction I’d like to go in, but nothing seemed to be fitting. “How can I do this when I have to be a 24/7 mom?”,How can I make this work with NO money?”. But after careful consideration, I’ve decided what I want to do. Now, this wont be easy, nor will it bring in a butt-load of cash, especially in the beginning. But, I’m going to go for it anyways. I’m going to be a professional blogger.

Here are my reasons for my choice:

  1. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but could never picture myself writing books or working for some lame paper writing articles about things I don’t even like.
  2. As long as I own my blog, I can say whatever I want. I’m very opinionated and like to say what I think and why.
  3. I can stay at home with my girl. I plan on homeschooling, and I love being a stay at home mom. This allows that to happen.
  4. Once I’ve established a blog (I plan on starting with a mom blog) and have a reasonable amount of followers, I can create another blog that is on more of a political level, which I really look forward to doing. A soap box is important to me, and I’d love to have a few words to throw into the world and be caught by other people sharing my opinions, beliefs and ideas.
  5. I’m an introvert and socially awkward. I can’t work for other people and can’t (no matter how hard I try) force myself to work a dead-end job with people I don’t like for a crappy amount of money, all the while losing precious moments with my daughter.

So, there you have it. I now have a plan. I’m going to be a paid blogger.

Now…you’re probably wondering where your part comes in. Every blog, whether you’re being paid for it or do it as a hobby, needs followers. Especially if you want to be paid for it! So, all I ask is for readers! Hopefully I can create an awesome blog where people actually WANT to read it. But, I know the beginning will be slow as with most things. But, my goal is to have a great blog, that offers advice, a place for moms/women to come together and discuss our motherhood. I hope to provide you with it soon!

Wish me luck in my career endeavors. Hope to see you reading my future posts. 🙂

Here’s to kleenex, slippers, soup and hot beverages!

Over the past week, a cold has taken over our household. Infecting half of our population. Including Rayne and I. Sick toddler + sick mom = no sleep, irritability, crying, and used tissues EVERYWHERE. Also, watching a toddler vomit every time they cough too hard is not a pretty sight. I find myself slugging around in pajamas, slipper boots, and an over-sized Social Distortion hoodie, with pockets full of snotty tissues. While Rayne runs around in a simple attire of panties and a nightshirt, slipper boots optional. The thought of normal clothing and actually participating in life is exhausting enough, let alone attempting to do it. Therefore, I’m opting out until I have returned to better health. Besides, Rayne doesn’t mind my lazy apparel.

After days and days of cough medicine and natural remedies immune health drops, Rayne is just starting to sleep at night without being attacked by a painful, hacking cough. Still, it makes it’s random return throughout the day, but at least she’s getting some rest. I, on the other hand, find myself laying awake, night after night, long after I should have fallen quickly to sleep. A nice mixture of a scratchy throat, snotty nose, sinus headache and insomnia makes sure I’m not getting the rest I need to recover. So, as you can imagine, I’m dragging my 1/3 closed eyed carcass around, trying my best to live up to my motherly duties. Yeah….not so easy. Being sick always sucks, but being sick AND a mother, is just the worst and seems to drag on..and on.

Here’s to kleenex, slippers, soup and hot beverages! May they guide us through these trying times.