Missing my light.

My mind is but a twisted maze. Covered by a thick blanket of gray haze. I search day and night for my missing light. Once a bright star embedded in my chest, now just a black cavity in its place. My palms cover my stone face. Hiding its disgrace. My stumbling feet try to find some steady ground. None is found. Is there no way out? Like gasping for one last breath in an oxygen drought. Desperately trying to find what this life is about. Lost as lost can be. I’m just looking for me, for my place in this world.

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Don’t love me.

These words stick to my throat as if it were lined with tar. I stutter and choke on them, only to give up and push them back down. Back down to their rightful place, jumping about between my heart  and gut. My lungs replace them with a sigh that escapes the tar  with ease, releasing from me one or two of the many butterflies you’ve left squirreling around in my stomach. I want to kill them. Rip apart their unrelenting wings, never to nauseate me again. I tip my head down, letting my hair shade my face. Trying to hide any sign of vulnerability. Any trace of my human heart. I hold you, but only with cold eyes and tight lips. I’m not real. I’m not alive. Only the shell of a girl who once held the world in her eyes. Who’s eyes now only carry stone. My fire, now just a cold black coal. No longer a person. Empty. Who am I to hold such a tender heart for the breaking? What a waste of love to be poured upon my corpse, forcing its way inside, trying to keep my icy soul warm. How dare you. Don’t you see how dead I am? Can’t you feel my coldness? Return me to the darkness I called home for so long. Let me rot in my cage of isolation. Don’t wrap me in you warmth. Grasp me with your hands of safety no longer. Please, stop calming me with that tone. Cease those healing finger tips from tracing my stone skin. And don’t ever let those lips touch my neck like that again. Save yourself from me. I’m rotten to the core. All thats left is the wreckage of the girl who resided here before. This tarnished piece of garbage is nothing to be loved. Just use and abuse me, then put me back upon the shelf. I am no one’s beacon or sunlight to soak in. The only thing left here is a girl who’s been broken.

Just something…

Rain gathers in my window sill. Kind of like everything I’ve been running from, flooding my chest. The pressure on my heart, giving it a tight squeeze whenever my secret failures come out of someone else’s mouth. I thought they had forgotten. I guess I wasn’t invisible enough. Sorrow fills my limbs like sand, weighing me down. I’m starting to drown. Clothed in fear. Watch closely as I disappear. Do I look pretty, with my painted on smile? Just trying to stay in line, single file. I’ve created this mess that I’m suffocating in. But it’s getting harder to pretend. I’ve hit a dead end. God, tell me what you recommend. My strength is running so thin. Slowed to a crawl. I hardly survived the fall. Trying so hard to dig myself out. This can’t be what life is about. 

Home.

Home. No place I’d ever been. Until your arms shoveled me up, wrapping me tight like a python. Showing me the warmth I’ve been missing. Taking these walls down, brick by brick. I’ve built them so thick. You kiss my neck. I try not to panic. My nerves in a frenzy. When you said you love me, were you kidding? How can I turn my back now, on something so real? At least that’s how it feels. I’m like a fish out of water. You can’t fix me, so don’t bother. I’ll try to run away from you. That’s just what I do. Don’t let me get too far. Don’t let me fall apart. So many fears, I don’t know where to start. I’m broken to bits. Sift through the wreckage, keep what’s still good. If you could help me, I know you would. But it doesn’t work that way I guess. You’ll have your hands full with this mess. But I’ll try my best. Because there’s no other hands I’d rather be in.

Made my nest. (New poem)

I climbed into your chest and made my nest within your rib cage, where I live in the dark, listening to the beat of your heart. Following you around like a shadow stuck to the ground. Sighing for all of your aches of regretted mistakes. Twisting my fingers around your spine, holding on for dear life. You penetrated my solid atmosphere. I have been considering dropping anchor here. 

Caged.

Waking up in this pit of despair. I’m no stranger to this place. Just another forgotten face in the race I seem to be losing. This path wasn’t my choosing. My days of chasing dreams have shriveled and rotted, decomposing in the back of my mind where I left them. The place I thought would protect them. Now my insides are crying for help, muffled by this cold stone they live in. Am I even a real person anymore? How far do I have to go to feel alive? My chances are so slim. Where do I even begin? The bright light that once led me has gone away. Leaving me lonely and afraid. Some days it’s hard to breathe. Hard to be. But I’m not dead underneath. That’s where I scream. I just want out of this cage. I don’t belong here.

I’m your feast.

Leave me shaking. Your gaze is penetrating. My bones are vibrating. Lungs deflating. This feeling is hard to stomach. Gnawing at my soul. I’m out of control. Spinning so fast, All I see is you. And everything I was blind to that you already knew. Who’s fault is it now that my days are few? I can feel my heart dropping to it’s knees. My pride, You’ve ceased. I feel I might fall to dust at your feet. You’ve settled in my heart like concrete. A stand up guy in a world of fakes. I have to run away for my own sake. Bending and breaking, Now it’s my numbness I’m faking. Struck down like a wild beast. Now I’ve become your feast.