Good News Alert!

If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know I’ve been struggling with the fear of possibly having pregnancy Cholestasis. I’ve been going in weekly for NSTs (non-stress tests). When my doctor responded to my itchy hands and feet with these NSTs and a blood test, assuming it was Cholestasis, my heart broke. I had been having a perfectly normal pregnancy, everything going well, until that appointment and that stupid annoying itching. Suddenly we had to monitor my baby and possibly discuss induction depending on my bile levels, which would really cut into my hopes for a very natural birth. Not to mention the stress of never knowing if baby was doing okay from one minute to the next. Thank God, so far, baby has passed all the NSTs with flying colors, and my first blood test showed negative for Cholestasis. However, my doctor did say that it usually takes awhile before showing in a blood test.

As time has gone on, the stress has eased a bit. And the itching has just gotten down right confusing. With Cholestasis, the most common symptom is intense itching, usually on the hands and feet. My itching has been really on and off. Luckily, it has been mild-moderate when I do have it, but I can go long periods of time without itching at all. Even having mild itching, it is terrible. For most of last week I would go to bed at night, only to wake up an hour later itching, then be up all night! It was exhausting. When the weekend came on, my itching just stopped. It was like a miracle from God. Seriously, I was like, “THANK YOU,GOD!!” 

So, today I mentioned to my doctor how on and off my itching is and that when I do have it, it’s not nearly as bad as it has been at times. My doctor was glad to hear it, because according to her, in most Cholestasis cases, the itching only gets worse and worse. And doesn’t really become harmful to baby until it is really bad itching. Since mine isn’t bad and sometimes not even there, she’s not concerned about it harming baby, and even thinks it might not even be Cholestasis! HELLO! GREAT NEWS! She even wants to postpone the blood test she wanted to do, because she really don’t think it would show anything. 

PHEW!

So, as of now, we’re keeping an eye on the itching, still doing NSTs every week just to be extra safe, and everything else looks great! I was so relieved to have this conversation with her today. I feel like I can finally relax and my natural hypnobirth is STILL ON! YAY! I definitely feel that my prayers have been answered, and have no fear that anything will rear it’s head to harm baby or myself. And if it does, I’m already 34+ weeks, so there isn’t much more time left in this pregnancy.

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Totally chillaxing with some hot cocoa and a danish. I deserve it after all the stress I’ve been through.

 

 

Oh, AND, when I got home, my package of BumGenius cloth diapers had arrived! Double yay! 

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Seriously, guys. So happy.

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Relief?

Today has been one of few events. Yet many feelings. From fatigued to fine. From fine to sick. From sick to sad. From sad to anxious. Etc, etc. You get the picture. At this point I am exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Not that anyone could tell without me saying. And I never say so, therefore no one ever really knows the weight on my shoulders. From the outside I seem to be fine. Drained and irritable, maybe. But fine. I am not really sure why I felt the need to take the time to write any of this. But I did. My eyes burn from lack of sleep but my mind is constantly yapping like a small dog. I need some relief.

 

I’m gonna write it out.

The past couple of days I have been experiencing extreme anxiety. I can’t eat (I’ve eaten once in the past 30 hours at least), I can’t sleep, I’m shaking, having consistent heart palpitations, and shallow breathing. I’m not quite sure what’s causing all of this besides the fact I’m under a lot of stress. I’m hoping to move past it very soon, but all signs point to…–> not happening. Maybe all this panic and restless thinking makes for some good poetry and/or prose. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try. Plus, writing it out will probably help to ease it.

Writing has always been the only way I can express my emotions, besides anger. I can openly express my anger to anyone, anywhere. But anything else is quite a struggle to get out. Maybe all of this is arising because of the fact that I don’t write as much as I use to. It tends to build up inside of me until I have to pour it all out on paper…or on this blog.

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I find this Sylvia Plath quote to be exactly how I feel. I’m going to be working on some writing for a couple days. Who knows, maybe I’ll write all of this anxiety out and be perfectly fine in a couple days. Well, at least I’m hoping.

Gawks, Anxiety and Photos of the day.

After a tiring and anxiety filled day, I want nothing more but to relax. This morning I got up, pumped myself full of coffee, and cleaned like a maniac. My uncle, who lives right down the driveway from us, was having an estate sale. He was selling all of his stuff and some of my great Grandmother’s stuff. There were tons of people all day long. They parked on the sides of the road, some drove down the driveway, and a few even tried to park in our yard (rude!). There usually isn’t many people around here. There is the occasional jogger, but today there were probably more than a hundred. They would walk down toward the sale and stare at us, and into our windows. There was caution tape blocking off our property, but that didn’t seem to stop them. Some even walked right over, looking at our stuff thinking it was for sale. It was beyond irritating and uncomfortable. But it got a lot worse when I saw someone leaving carrying the mini trampoline my sisters and I played with most days of our childhood. My heart broke a little to see it go in the hands of someone who had no clue of the meaning it held for me. It belonged to my great Grandmother who raised me most of my childhood. I spent everyday with her. I lived with her. I took care of her before she died. And that trampoline was in constant use by me and two of my sisters. I felt like running up to him and snatching it out of his arms as if he was carrying away a family pet.

I was feeling anxious and highly uncomfortable. Just stepping outside came with gawks. I decided to come in and take a quick rest.

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I shut off the T.V. and just laid there. Rayne was being rather quiet for not having her shows on, so I got up to see what she was doing.

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She was reading “God Gives Us Patience”. Fitting, right?

She started to get restless, but also she hadn’t had a nap.

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So of course a fit happened.

She’s doing well now, and I’m doing better myself. I went for a walk to clear my mind.

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It helped. Now I’m ready to relax, if at all possible. I hope you enjoyed your Saturday.

ॐ Om ॐ

With persistent stress and a restless mind, I thought this morning was the perfect time to do a tiny bit of Yoga and a little meditation time. About a year ago I got really into Yoga. I would do videos twice a day. It helped relax me at the beginning and end of each day. I used it to ease my temper. It worked a little. But doing Yoga everyday and having a quiet space to do it, is not realistic. So I hardly ever do it anymore. But sometimes, like days like this, I take some time to do my favorite Yoga moves. I did a few to stretch out my stiff body. It helped wake me up.

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Then I sat up and tried to relax as much as possible while concentrating on my breathing.

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Then Rayne decided to help. It was apparent that I wasn’t going to be able to reach nirvana with a toddler pulling at my feet. So I opened my eyes and gave up.

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This is what I opened my eyes to. This makes my Yoga failure not so bad. At least I had a good stretch.