Will You Forgive Me, Blog?

After ditching this blog because of its slow traffic (my own fault), I realize now it was a mistake. Why start over with a new blog but the same issues? Long story short, I created a blog, that did nothing but suffer all thanks to me. Poor blog. R.I.P PunkRockMommySeekingJesus.

However, with the sadness of losing another blog to the awful realization of being..dun dun dun..unpopular, I have decided to make my way back to my original blog. The one created just to say what I want to say. No special agenda, no trying to be cool like other mom blogs, it was just me. And at this point, I feel much better just being me again. Hey, isn’t that the way to go anyways?

So, without any further ado, I’m back.

Expect to see me blogging away again at MomWomanHuman@wordpress.com

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The final decision.

After throwing blog names back and forth, trying to find the perfect one for my new mom blog I’m planning on creating and hoping will become a profession, I’ve stumbled upon a thought that wouldn’t go away. At first I thought, “Nah, not everyone would be into that.” But it kept nagging at me as if I had no other choice. Then I gave that little thought some attention and realized it was a great idea, not because everyone will like it, but because it’s important to me and I would love to go in that direction.

My new blog will be a Christian mom blog. Still the same idea (Mom discussions, Ideas, Advice, Questions, etc.) but with Christian beliefs thrown into the mix. Not that I need to give an explanation for my decisions, but I find that when I explain my decisions, it helps people understand my point of view and finds a relative ground. So, this is why I’m making a Christian mom blog:

  1. Being a Christian Is very important to me, especially as a mother.
  2. My Christian beliefs have gotten me through my entire motherhood, good times, bad times, depression, stress, feeling helpless, etc.
  3. It’d be awesome to uplift other mothers with not only advice, and friendship, but also the word of God.

I know this is the right direction for me to go in because I feel no desire to do just a regular mom blog. I’m going full force with this Christian mom blog idea and I’m feeling VERY positive. I know not everyone will agree with this, because not everyone is pro Jesus, but everyone, no matter what you believe, is welcome to read and enjoy my mom blog.

I hope you will all still read and follow my soon-to-come mom blog and find in it a welcoming, informative, and seriously awesome mom circle. 🙂

My final decision on a career path and how I need all of your help.

As most of my readers know, I’ve been in quite the depressing struggle of trying to find my career path. I’ve always been the ‘lost‘ kind of girl. Never really having a ‘place‘ or clear direction. As I plunged into my 20s with a baby on my hip and no idea as to how I’d be making a living, the pressure on my shoulders has been nothing short of the equivalent of a howler monkey swinging and jumping around on my back, alerting everyone (or so it seemed) of my failures and slow go at the adult life I’m suppose to have. Shame has been the ever looming dark cloud above my head. As a 22 (almost 23) year old mom with no job and no plans, life has been embarrassing and shameful. I know, I know….Being a mom is not an easy job. I love being a mom more than anything. But as a child I suppose certain members of our family ingrained in my brain the importance of a career and “making something of yourself”. When all I had to show for my 20-something years is a toddler and contributing to the household groceries, I felt like the family failure. Like it was in everyone’s mind when they looked at me. I’ve been constantly dreading any family interactions and/or parties/get-togethers purely because I feared someone would bring up the God awful question…”So what are you doing these days?“, followed by the crumbling of my spirit and the stuttering trying to find something interesting and socially acceptable to say. Needless to say, my confidence in my womanhood has been particularly low.

Over time I’ve had ideas of the direction I’d like to go in, but nothing seemed to be fitting. “How can I do this when I have to be a 24/7 mom?”,How can I make this work with NO money?”. But after careful consideration, I’ve decided what I want to do. Now, this wont be easy, nor will it bring in a butt-load of cash, especially in the beginning. But, I’m going to go for it anyways. I’m going to be a professional blogger.

Here are my reasons for my choice:

  1. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but could never picture myself writing books or working for some lame paper writing articles about things I don’t even like.
  2. As long as I own my blog, I can say whatever I want. I’m very opinionated and like to say what I think and why.
  3. I can stay at home with my girl. I plan on homeschooling, and I love being a stay at home mom. This allows that to happen.
  4. Once I’ve established a blog (I plan on starting with a mom blog) and have a reasonable amount of followers, I can create another blog that is on more of a political level, which I really look forward to doing. A soap box is important to me, and I’d love to have a few words to throw into the world and be caught by other people sharing my opinions, beliefs and ideas.
  5. I’m an introvert and socially awkward. I can’t work for other people and can’t (no matter how hard I try) force myself to work a dead-end job with people I don’t like for a crappy amount of money, all the while losing precious moments with my daughter.

So, there you have it. I now have a plan. I’m going to be a paid blogger.

Now…you’re probably wondering where your part comes in. Every blog, whether you’re being paid for it or do it as a hobby, needs followers. Especially if you want to be paid for it! So, all I ask is for readers! Hopefully I can create an awesome blog where people actually WANT to read it. But, I know the beginning will be slow as with most things. But, my goal is to have a great blog, that offers advice, a place for moms/women to come together and discuss our motherhood. I hope to provide you with it soon!

Wish me luck in my career endeavors. Hope to see you reading my future posts. 🙂

Missing my light.

My mind is but a twisted maze. Covered by a thick blanket of gray haze. I search day and night for my missing light. Once a bright star embedded in my chest, now just a black cavity in its place. My palms cover my stone face. Hiding its disgrace. My stumbling feet try to find some steady ground. None is found. Is there no way out? Like gasping for one last breath in an oxygen drought. Desperately trying to find what this life is about. Lost as lost can be. I’m just looking for me, for my place in this world.

My New Years Resolutions.

Nowadays, a lot of people are rather cynical about the idea of New Years resolutions. Most people never fulfill them and end up stopping setting any in the following years. I, on the other hand, still believe in setting resolutions. I like the idea of changing something for the better and putting an effort towards something. I made quite a few last year, and achieved two of them. This year, I’m really looking forward to diving into my resolutions and setting goals for myself. There’s something refreshing and liberating about it. You have control over what you set, and whether or not you achieve it. Isn’t that awesome!?!?

So, here are my 2013 resolutions:

  1. Work on my overall health: Physically, Mentally, Emotionally…all that good stuff. Last year I wanted to lose all of the pregnancy weight I was packing around (and loathing), and I did it! This year, I want to lose the extra 5-10 pounds and just start doing better for my body. More exercise, eating better, etc. Also working on my mental health as well. I’ve always struggled with BPD and depression. I’ve come a long way in the past couple years, but I know I can get even better. Emotionally is gonna be the tough one. I’m one of those people who seem to have no emotion at all, until I’m angry. I come off as cold and numb. Which, I think I am pretty numb to most things. Maybe callused is a better word for it. I never seen a problem with it, except for everyone thinking I don’t like them or am just a robot. So, I’d like to work on expressing myself more toward others, even though it’s going to be terribly uncomfortable.
  2. Be better at everything: Mom, Girlfriend, Daughter, Sister, House cleaner, Writer, Photographer, Writer, person, EVERYTHING I DO. I just want to give my best effort into what I care about. I think it’s good for everyone to do that, but a lot of the time we get so caught up in the day after day that we forget to make sure we really are being the best us we can be.
  3. Write more: I love to write. It’s like therapy to me. But I don’t do it hardly enough. I get so busy with everything around me I forget to make time for it. I’d really like to try to write everyday or at least a few times a week.
  4. Read more: Just like the writing, I love to read, but never make the time. I finished ‘The Perks Of Being A Wallflower’ a few weeks ago and absolutely loved it. I forget how great a feeling it is to be so wrapped up in a book that life seems to stop. I’d like to experience that more often this year.
  5. Figure out something to do with myself: I’m extremely sick of feeling so lost and directionless when it comes to my future. I hope to find something to point me in the right direction. I want to go to school, find a career I love, and support my family. It’s seeming to be much harder for me than it should be. I hope to take a step this year toward the future I want.

Those are the things I want to/plan to work on in the coming year. I know I can achieve them all.

What are your resolutions????

This is my Friday.

Laughter echos through the house, clashing with Bob Dylan coming from the TV. Or maybe it melts together, going hand-in-hand. Yeah, that’s more like it. Rayne runs through the house, siphoning attention out of everyone in her path. My sister paces out of boredom but the laughter continues in bouts. I sit at the end of the dining room table, looking out the window at the cold outside, sipping my hot tea and recovering from my laugh attack. In that moment I’m reminded, “This is my family. This is my life. This is great.”

This is my Friday afternoon, December 21st 2012.

Don’t love me.

These words stick to my throat as if it were lined with tar. I stutter and choke on them, only to give up and push them back down. Back down to their rightful place, jumping about between my heart  and gut. My lungs replace them with a sigh that escapes the tar  with ease, releasing from me one or two of the many butterflies you’ve left squirreling around in my stomach. I want to kill them. Rip apart their unrelenting wings, never to nauseate me again. I tip my head down, letting my hair shade my face. Trying to hide any sign of vulnerability. Any trace of my human heart. I hold you, but only with cold eyes and tight lips. I’m not real. I’m not alive. Only the shell of a girl who once held the world in her eyes. Who’s eyes now only carry stone. My fire, now just a cold black coal. No longer a person. Empty. Who am I to hold such a tender heart for the breaking? What a waste of love to be poured upon my corpse, forcing its way inside, trying to keep my icy soul warm. How dare you. Don’t you see how dead I am? Can’t you feel my coldness? Return me to the darkness I called home for so long. Let me rot in my cage of isolation. Don’t wrap me in you warmth. Grasp me with your hands of safety no longer. Please, stop calming me with that tone. Cease those healing finger tips from tracing my stone skin. And don’t ever let those lips touch my neck like that again. Save yourself from me. I’m rotten to the core. All thats left is the wreckage of the girl who resided here before. This tarnished piece of garbage is nothing to be loved. Just use and abuse me, then put me back upon the shelf. I am no one’s beacon or sunlight to soak in. The only thing left here is a girl who’s been broken.